Inner Beauty: What Men Don't Tell You
The guy's perspective on the elusive concept of "inner beauty."
There was this girl who sat behind me in third grade. She had unruly blonde hair that hung down to her shoulders, steady green eyes, and tiny teeth, and I thought she was beautiful.
During class, I'd dream up excuses to turn around and look at her. When she was out sick for two weeks during that year's typically cruel Wisconsin winter, I ran to school each morning anticipating her return. And while my classmates rejoiced on the last day before summer vacation, I began counting the many weeks we'd be separated. But when we all wandered into our stale classroom the following September, I saw to my dismay that the girl had changed. Her hair had been cropped like a Marine's, she'd gained weight, and she was wearing glasses so ugly her parents deserved jail time. In short, I no longer found her beautiful, and therefore no longer had any interest in throwing things at her during recess.
This troubled me. Everyone from my mother to Mr. Rogers had articulated some version of "beauty is only skin-deep." What really mattered, they said, was inner beauty. Read: When It Comes To Long-Term Love, Do Looks Matter?
I knew there was more than an ounce of truth to that—far be it from me to argue with Mr. Rogers—but inner beauty? Did that mean a cute spleen? Tying my shoes was a major accomplishment, long division seemed a near impossibility, and complex social interaction consisted of a game of tag. So the concept of inner beauty was tough to comprehend.
It didn't get any easier. As a young editor at a popular men's magazine, it was my job to find "normal" women for photo spreads—people who weren't celebrities or models, but who looked like them and didn't mind millions of guys ogling them in their underwear.
It was not a simple task. But I eventually found about 20 pictures that I thought would meet our art director's approval. Then I looked on, horrified, as he dismissed all but two, his British accent making his rejections— punctuated with vocabulary that would have gotten me sent to Human Resources—sound almost affectionate.
Internalizing his standards, I became a brutal and unapologetic beauty critic, dismissing any woman who didn't embody the popular ideal (perfect face, flat stomach, pneumatic curves) and using the word "beautiful" to describe women who, for all I knew, used paralyzed orphans to club baby seals. Read: 9 Things I Learned About Women From Editing Maxim
OK, so I was shallow and evil. But beauty is tangible, beauty is sensory, and beauty is external. People who refuse to admit this need only walk down the street with a beautiful woman. I've done so with ones who are charming, and I've done so with ones who love reality TV and frequently use the phrase "Don't go there."
Their personalities don't matter to the passing men who stumble as they stare, or to the women who look on with admiration and envy, or to everyone who looks at me as though I must have done something extraordinary to deserve such company.
Discussion
Well, it's certainly a nice bonus to be with someone who has an attractive appearance. And especially when you are young it's a lot of fun to be noticed with someone who is "hot". But I think that most people will agree that it's no fun being with that person if they are shallow, selfish, narrow minded, rude, etc.
Initially the physical appearance is what attracts us about someone. Unless we enjoy the "inner" person as well as the outer one, the attraction won't last. Make sure you take the time to get to know your "hot babe" before making any permanent commitments!
Maybe I misread this article but did the author not get teeth, scars and different colored eyes confused with the true definition of 'Inner Beauty'?
Physical attraction is in my opinion the initial stimulus of most relationships but a woman without the qualities of RESPECT-LOYALTY-INTELLIGENCE-CONFIDENCE- SPIRITUALITY- SENSE OF HUMOR- RESPONSIBILITY-COMPATIBILITY- as well as other abilities such as to know how to receive and give LOVE is not much more than a picture in a magazine that we can merely imagine how 'wonderful' it would be with them.
Beauty, in my opinion, is a 'package deal.' which includes the physical, mental, and spiritual.
I admit that physical attraction is important to many of us, but without the qualities and behaviors that constitute 'Inner Beauty' a long-lasting relationship based on intimacy rather than material or physical wealth is, in my opinion,is not feasible in my opinion.
We all wrinkle, widen, and wither on the outside but our INNER qualities, which define us as individuals, never decrease, decay, or die- that constitutes our Core being, beliefs and values.
Ultimately, those INNER BEAUTY qualities keep couples together but that is just one gentleman,s opinion.
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I agree that confidence is more important than the outward beauty..... I know from experience. Growing up I never had much of a problem with my appearance, but as I got older I started to compare myself to other attractive women, and became less secure than before. Well I had a friend who always told me "fake it till you make it". So I thought I would give that a try....I really hate my teeth, as they are real crooked, so I would not smile much or would cover my smile, but I learned that if I pretended that it didnt bother me, it eventually stopped bothering me...I now can smile and laugh outwardly, and I am told I have a beautiful smile. Additionally I decided to try putting on a confident posture and walk, make more eye contact with passer-byes, and instead of disagreeing when someone complimented me, I would thank them with confidence....well guess what, as it turns out I'm a hottie!
when I act confident I notice men and women looking, and heads turning...my boyfriend even notices this lol. But when I don't show confidence, no one seems to notice me, and look right past me at the next woman who, even though, I think I am better looking than her, she shows more confidence. Try it...and remember "Fake it till you make it" works on the job and in interviews also... just pretend you know what you are doing or pretend you are in control and people will believe you are. I also used "fake it till you make it in my college public speaking class...as I have stage fright...No one would have known that, cuz I faked it. (*Wink)
women are visual too, stop making assumptions. Or maybe I'm just a man ( a gay man?) trapped in a woman's body. I like the lights on, I ogle men's naked bodies, I need it to get aroused.
and do tell me, what exactly does CONFIDENCE look like? Since I've heard many men claim that trumps good looks.
I have found the "inner beauty" really only comes out when you begin caring/loving about a person. I've had people (mainly guys, strangely) hate on my past boyfriends' looks, but to me, my boyfriends were the handsomest, sexiest thing I had ever seen. And their personality added to it, definitely. Some people also have that "je ne sais quoi," even when you find them otherwise unattractive.
Humans are weird. Maybe it really is all about pheromones, over which we have no control.
I think when a person is "beautiful" thats what causes the initial attraction but when u get to know the person the physical attraction should not matter anymore. By then u should be trying to figure if the person is also beautiful on the inside
A lot of guys get lumped into this bum-wrap of just being visually stimulated. Yes, I like eye candy. Yes, a very viceral part of me enjoys seeing a scantily clad woman...and that is where it stops. A woman's looks aren't as important as a woman's confidence. Sometimes women need to rethink what they are using as bait, and who they are trying to lure in. If you are putting your looks out there on the line, then you will usually pick up guys that respond to just that...and then you're upset that he wants you just because he thought you looked hot.
Now, if you put yourself out there, that being your looks AND your personality, your character, that thing that makes you who you are, you may not get as many bites, but the ones that you do get will develop into far more satisfying relationships.
I have been physically attracted to every woman I have ever been with, but every woman I have been with would in no way be defined as pretty or attractive by most standards. Each one was amazing for who they were, adding to their physical appearence as well. I need to be physically attracted to the woman I'm with...but I'm a smart enought monkey to see what she really has to offer and how it complements her.
Bravo as always, Ky. If our conclusions on what's beautiful are subjective, I think a lot of women will find comfort in the fact that guys actually do have the rare willingness to look beneath the surface and search out women's characters. I write in my own stories that at the end of the day, we all seek the same thing: connection. Thanks for this very human article.
Men are definitely more visual than women. It is a fact, and we women can wish to our hearts content that this is not true, but it will never change that fact. However, I believe all humans are, at first, attracted to the outer beauty, before they will look inside. But for most women, what is inside has a drastic bearing on the perception of the outer shell at that point.
As far as the perception of their beauty goes when they do or do not like us, has a major bearing on all humans. It is a fact of the mind.
Great article.
~Best Wishes~
http://openyourhearttothelove.blogspot.com
It's funny....at 34 I feel I'm more beautiful now than when I was 18...and I have a feeling that I'm still getting better. I think that a woman's confidence has a lot to do with her beauty...confidence and simple feeling comfortable in her own skin.
I pefectly understand you. I am 50 yeas old and look 40 or less, have energy as 30 and never feel more beautiful and hot.
the human mind is a complicated oblivion that we slave to understand. I canot say that I have not experienced what has hapened to you (well not yours exact). I will not say that I am not shallow becouse when it deals with girls I have thrown a bone to one that I was not to atracted to and ended in shambels and 2 years of hate and stupid rumers. we as Humans need to understand that we all have difrent points of view in what we consider "good looking babes" (as ziegy may put it) we should all go with what we want other than force ourselfs to do better or be stuck with the one we are with simply becouse we feal ashamed of our selfs or sorry for others becouse in the end we are humans and I truely beleave that we all think of the better looking ones.
my friends tell me...oftentimes if not always, that im beautiful..and i dont believe them..or shall i say, i dont want to believe them. yes.i have nice pouty lips like angelina jolie's,they say.(but i find them pale and dry..).. i have straight long black hair.(but for me theyre fry and unkempt), they say i have nice cheelbones, like that of a model.(but id say i have a big face), they say i have a nice,hot body with great busts (but id say 'nah..theyre full of fats) and the list goes on and on. ive always wondered if what theyre sayin are all true.. but then i realized probably, why they see the real beauty in me because of my good-natured personality..oopppss i dont wanna sound here like im this goodie-goodie femme with an angel-like aura.. but what im sayin is, i talk less, i see the good in people, i try not to back-bite friends instead, i try to be there for them, i dont cheat, i am a practising christian...tho im not perfect in it, i stay away from vices and im nice to people.. etc..and with that, gives me the realization that i should be grateful for every good thing that people say to me, may it be outwardly or inwardly.. and just be grateful. and ive noticed that firsthand with who ever i meet.. those who are inwardly beautiful becomes more beautiful outwardly... (hope that made sense..sorry..lol)
I was an ungly child growing up i have always gone up and down in my weight..when i was about 16yrs old i lost alot of weight and started getting numbers and stuff but i always kept my gaurd up because of boys when i was little who used to tease me and i always remember that so finally when i met someone i thought wow nice guy we were together for awhile and we ended up having a kid and i gained to much weight to mention and i had such i problem with him because he used to tell me man if you would just lose some weight you would be the bomb and for along time i thought maybe he is right and i walked around felling sorry for myself and walked around feeling like i was ugly......until oneday i started to put makeup on again and started to clean myself up and man did it do something to me it made me feel good and i felt some confidence that i haden't felt in a very long time and you know what i have lost weight but you know what i didn't lose it all and i know that i do need to lose more weight not only for me but for health reasons and no i'm not morbidly obies but i am very curvasious and i have a kick you in the butt personality....but i guess what i am trying to say i don't need to look like a cover model to be beautiful i am me and i will not change that for anyone and if you are that shallow that you can't look past my imperfections then i really don't need to be with you anyway cause if you couldn't see my beauty when i was ugly then i sure in the heck aren't gonna let you enjoy it now.....
I've tried liking ugly chicks but I can't. I feel somewhat guilty for being partial to good looking babes and it's made me resent them. Now I feel no special emotions or feelings towards either class. I just ignore my natural drives and don't pursue women. I still flirt but even when I get signals I don't take the relationship very far.
Was this article supposed to contain a revelation? I've known this since I was an average-looking teenage girl. There are no surprises here -- except for those who have really been kidding themselves.
External beauty catches the eyes & lures for lasviciousness only during one's prime. Internal beauty defines character and is interminable. It's agreeable that blatant beauty is external, but when given a second one will realize it's internal. Men who seek mere external beauty will treat women like object; like a child, he'll play with the new toy but throws it when it gets old & when a nicer and newer invention comes out. It would be more prudent for a man to attract himself to a woman by her irresistable beauty while at the same time consider her internal beauty to define definite beauty. I'd prefer that.
"But beauty is tangible, beauty is sensory, and beauty is external." I really feel sorry for those who have this ideal set in stone. There are so many personality traits that can make an ugly person beautiful and a beautiful person ugly. I find the line of thought of this author to be incredibly shallow and childish. By the way, I'm not ugly so this is coming from someone who DOES get oogled.
Just to quote another message: "Beauty is a display of good genes which predicts healthier, stronger, smarter offspring. It’s not shallow to want a beautiful, kind, intuitive wife, or to want a successful, articulate, generous husband."
We can think beyond our genes. I think it's astonishingly backward to think that someone who is beautiful is going to produce healthier and more intelligent offspring. It's a ridiculous idea to anyone who thinks about it for longer than a second. Conditioning is above all more important than anything. It is absolutely shallow to want to be with someone who is beautiful - genes are shallow. They are selfish and animalistic - and above all, inhumane. If you are guided by your genes then you are not a particularly smart human being. If you know you're choosing someone because you think their appearance reflects the value of their genes then why don't you question that and think 'my, isn't this a bit of a stupid assumption?' At what point do we allow ourselves to start THINKING? Why do we accept genes as an excuse for poor behaviour in some instances and not in others (such as murder or violence)? It's inhumane and backward, regardless. If it's violence then it is psychological but if it's shallowness then it's genetic. Please. We are better than our genes. Our genes feed our egos. Understand that. Your offspring will suffer if you raise them to think that people who are better looking are more valuable. Maybe you don't want intelligent children after all??? I guess people will always find a way of excusing their primitive behaviour.
Good to read this article. I don't mean to be sexist but this is a very uniquely smart observation for a man to have. Hopefully one day men will start to "select" in the way that women do and start to treat women equally. I can't wait for the day when we see our instinctual/primal desires as being separate from our humane selves. You should always question the agenda of your genes and of your ego. We make choices.
In the article, the woman with the chipped tooth became "more beautiful" to the author - but isn't it obvious that this was a facet of her personality, not, strictly, her looks, or "beauty"? Any stranger walking down the street, judging objectively, would pick the non-chipped tooth version of this woman...right?
I felt it. I've gone from ugly duckling to beautiful to ugly duckling and back again, and I can see where Ky is coming from. I don't feel beautiful, but I'm told I am....and in the rare time I do feel beautiful, I don't believe it when anyone confirms it. I think those that are solid within themselves are far more beautiful than I--or perhaps far more brave. No matter--brave is beautiful.
Right on! Ky's a great writer. I'd love to see the photos he took of his vision of beautiful women, and the Brit thought not. Air brushing can make anyone look good. Lets see models without that on magazine covers!
This was an interesting read, but it left me wondering "to what end?" What was the point of the article? Is it that relationships are only for the beautiful? Clearly that is wrong; we see around us everyday that people of all shapes, sizes, faces, etc., are in relationships. Perhaps unattractive women aren't hit on in bars or on the streets by perfect strangers the way beautiful women are, but nonetheless they find partners in life... it'll happen when they've gotten to know someone well and discover that they have really great chemistry together, appearance notwithstanding. So is the point of the article that the world opens more doors for the beautiful? Ok then, now we're on to something. But let's figure out what really is "beautiful." Because it has been my experience that almost anyone can "clean up nicely" and that a main ingredient in beauty is attitude and confidence. I am your classic "Ugly Duckling" story - very unattractive child and teenager with frizzy hair, braces, big nose (they called me "bird") and coke-bottle red glasses that definitely should have gotten my parents arrested! Now I am a tall, fit and successful beauty (ok, the tall and fit part is genetics and a lot of exercise, so ladies, get a pair of heels and get a better gym/diet lifestyle). But as for my face... it hasn't changed much. True, I may have grown into my nose somewhat, but what really changed was that growing up ugly caused me to focus a great deal on hair and makeup and playing up the good traits that I have. I decided a long time ago that a great hair stylist is a budget priority, and I have perfectly-toned highlights that do wonders for my complexion that my ash brown hair never could. I visit the MAC counter for new and tasteful makeup tips to accentuate my blue eyes and good brow line while taking focus off my nose, lack of cheekbones and thin lips. I make sure the fit of my clothing is flattering (rather than trendy) and I adorn myself in equally flattering jewlry. Basically, I clean up nicely, and for that, people tell me all the time how beautiful I am and I get those almost annoying stares on the street. It's flattering, but I put it all in perspective, because believe me, I do NOT look like that when I wipe off the makeup, put my hair in a bun, throw on sweats and veg out on my sofa. The point is that a lot of the time, what we think is beautiful is really just how we "clean up" and I find that almost every woman can do it. But more importantly ladies, we should bear in mind that if you really want the world to open doors for you, you have to engage brain. My looks may fade (or I'm going to get really sick and tired of wearing makeup and getting my hair done)... but I will always be a kick-ass lawyer, and no passage of time or societal pressure can ever take that away from me.
Wow! A man that can understand what real beauty is! I talk to many men over the internet, they see my picture and say how beautiful. And I tell them, you have no idea, my outside is considered beautiful (no I'm not a size 36, 26, 36), but some still say I'm beautiful.
I feel if men could see not only the outside, just think how much better off they would be....Beauty on the inside is more important to me than what's on the out side looks. (of course I really don't want ugly)
I've date beautiful men, and they are ugly. But I've also dated men that are not so beautfiul and they are so precious to me...I only wish they were my soulmate, than I'd be the one telling you how awesome it can be if you look deeper in the person instead of just the outside.
Remember we are all going to get older...and the outside will change, but I promise I will never change on the inside...beauty on the inside is forever... Look at the outside, but pay special attention to the inter beauty, that's more important. Thank you for sharing your story, it touched my heart in more ways than you know. Hugs to you...Dee
If I agree, I'm beautiful and shallow. If I disagree, I have a "great personality."
Interesting article, honest and with much food for thought, but it left me wanting more- just when the author was finally tackling an important insight- that a girl he found beautiful no longer seemed so beautiful in his eyes when she rejected him as a romantic partner- he chose to leave it at that rather than elaborating on it.
I have important insights of my own to add to this. I have nociced on many occasions, that when I am angry with my husband, he looks less attractive to me, and the angrier I am, the less I like his appearance, to the point of finding him quite plain, or even ugly. In the same vein, I find him most handsome when I am feeling the most amorous toward him. When I shared this insight with him (at a time when we were getting along, of course!) he said it was the same for him.
Now, I don't believe that either my or my husband's appearance changes much depending on the moods we're in, so I have to conclude that there is a lot of truth to the clich
I love that this article is honest. 90% of the time I am very thankful that I am "genetically blessed". Wrong or not, attractive people do get special treatment in many ways big and small throughout life.
10% of the time it gives me anxiety because I worry about what will happen 20 years from now. I am educated, friendly and very giving but it seems like to many people that is just a surprising bonus to go with the pretty face, but not required.
Quite an honest article, though some of us might not like it because it is so honest, and well, the truth can hurt. It's very true that attractive people...get pretty much all the attention. This is the truth and we should accept it. However, I believe that outer beauty does not always reflect inner beauty (duh, I know), though it might be a good indicator of one's health.
Being a plain, pretty average girl, I've come to accept this...and have also learned to laugh at the extent in which people obsess over such materialistic things.
I'm extremely amused by what men will do in front of an attractive women. I've seen it happen tons of times at the airport, in the streets, in restaurants. They look at her (shamelessly, sometimes, leering), and then they do something stupid like pretending to drop something just to get another look. I've done much of these observations and as a viewer, I must say that if this is what life is all about (trying to look good or trying to hook up with attractive people or trying to look good for others or just being inexplicably pulled in by someone inexplicably attractive), then it's actually yes, pretty funny.
Looks are also much more important to females than to males. Unattractive males can be "funny" or "cute" but life is much harder for the plain female. No matter how you look at it, it's fact that men (and well, I guess women too, but men more so than women I think) are FIRSTLY attracted to the outer appearances of a woman.
So there it is. Plain, honest, painful truth. But...yeah, so what? Does this mean that women should sacrifice everything to look good for men or to look better than other women? It's all very pointless I find, and I guess anyone who cares about life beyond this shallow, materialistic point of view will soon come to realize that life is so much more. So if you don't look like Kate Bosworth or Superman himself, oh well, it's not the worst thing in the world.
Thank you for writing a well rounded article.
Growing up a plain Jane and experiencing an adulthood of glamour/beauty; it is eye and heart opening to be able to comment on both.
What I can say is that once outer beauty fades, what people rely on (and remember!) most is wit and intelligence.
I never want to feel again like I did in elementary school: being called names and ridiculed ... nor do I want to rely on my beauty or rather what other people think of as beauty to get me through life.
Being 37,I have born 2 children and people still think that I am 24. The difference is interesting how I am spoken to once one realizes my accomplishments and age.
Being taller, being blonde, haivng paler skin or being fit or slender ... all of these traits subconsciously tell us that the owners of these characteristics can be trusted, are intelligent and successful.
But why?
It has become a hobby of mine to dissect my subconscious and really give someone a chance to think,speak,feel and act before I make a decision on how much stock to give to their beauty.
Outer beauty is a gift randomly given but inner beauty is something everyone has a chance at perfecting.
The book Blink has some very thought provoking concepts on this and many other subconscious issues.
For me (total hybrid American), I was lucky to have had a tall blonde (though immature and flighty) Welshman father my children. And have a shorter, warm, intelligent, kind and stable man help raise them.
To create a more beautiful, healthy and tolerant world, maybe we all need to mix it up a bit.
I'm 48 years old and a grandfather, and I have read a lot of articles, ( and reviews ) so all I have to say is "fantastic".
someone who can write like this is no idiot.
So true, unromantic, so politically incorrect, so opposed to the democratic ideal that all men are created equal. Beauty is a display of good genes which predicts healthier, stronger, smarter offspring. It's not shallow to want a beautiful, kind, intuitive wife, or to want a successful, articulate, generous husband. Standards of beauty lead to more descendants of those with better genes, opposing the tendency of mutations to degrade the gene pool.
When you are beautiful men and women treat you different in life. You can walk in a store or any place and they will help you first before they will help a plain girl. I have been in that situation. Women don't want to be your friends, because you are beautiful and attracted to the opposite sex. Life can be horrible to beautiful women on this earth. You are always by yourself. But when you get older like me you still have your looks. When I tell people my age they don't believe me. But we beautiful people always keep their chins up on this earth. Men preferred plain women to beautiful women. Because attracted lady is a threat to her man. Sure, he is happy to be with her, but deep down inside him men always look at her no matter where they go. Our lives are lonely to us.
Very thought provoking. It's true - there is a universal 'dimension' to beauty - proven through all races and throughout history. It is also true that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So, perhaps we can all focus on being blessed to know and see beautiful people while we have the chance. It truly is a wonderful addition to our life.
I thought your article was very good. You are right, everyone is beautiful and no-one is, we all see what we want to see. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder". I loved it! Soledad Castro
What an idiot. and your point is?
We all know beauty is visible. So what? Does that make these beautiful women more valuable? more valuable to who? to you?
You are either very shallow or very young. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and say very young.