Stop Settling for So-So Sex!
The key to improving mediocre sex is getting to the root of the problem.
Everyone has dealbreakers.
They're the unalterable qualities in your prospective partner that eliminate the possibility of a happy relationship. Some are shallow: gnarly feet, freakishly small hands, a CD collection that's a little heavy on the Limp Bizkit. But others are critical indicators of compatibility: he doesn't want kids and you do. Or his deeply held religious convictions don’t mesh with your own.
But one potential dealbreaker defies categorization: bad sex. Is it a shallow concern that shouldn't matter if two people care about each other? Is it the ultimate indicator of compatibility because it's so primal? Or is it not a dealbreaker at all because, with enough time and effort, it can be fixed?
"Sometimes people just need a little physical training," says Barbara Keesling, PhD, author of Sex So Great She Can’t Get Enough. "But since passion is practically a philosophical concept, bad sex almost always results from emotional, mental, and physical issues."
Before you can figure out whether you can improve the bad sex you're having, you have to figure out if you're having bad sex. Every couple has an unsatisfying or disappointing encounter now and again.
You're tired, or the kids interrupt you, or the 11 happy-hour mai tais you accidentally drank make it impossible to get even one leg out of your pants. Using movies—which almost always depict couples having perfectly lit, simultaneously orgasmic sex (Check out some erotic flicks you'll both like)—as a yardstick will only make you feel needlessly inadequate. So what, exactly, qualifies as bad sex?
"If either person is dissatisfied over the long term, it's bad sex," explains Gina Ogden, PhD, a sex therapist in Cambridge, MA, and author of The Heart and Soul of Sex. "We've been taught that good sex is intercourse where the man and woman achieve orgasm. But that's just a small part. In fact, if you ask 100 people what bad sex is, they'll all tell you how it makes them feel. And every single person may feel something different."
Martha's* feelings changed from elation to humiliation the first time she had sex with an attractive coworker. "I was so excited to sleep with him, but when we got in bed he turned into Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman— he wouldn't kiss me," says the 30- year-old lawyer.
"I told myself it was OK, because sometimes sex is just dirty and fun." But after several months of the same behavior, she realized it really wasn't OK. "I was certain I was in love with him, and just watching him walk around the office turned me on! But I couldn't get turned on in bed. Finally, I asked him to kiss me in the middle of the act and he actually said no—then finished. It was the last time we slept together."
Discussion
in cases like this, i think the thing to do is praise what you like, ie give positive reinforcement and suggest what else you might like, again - positive reinforcement plus practical and proactive. sex is too important to lie about or brush under the rug plus by dealing constructively with something as potentially sensitive as this can lead to greater intimacy.
i imagine this is a pretty common issue among couples - real or perceived. i suspect a lot of people expect to ahve porn star sex given what the media presents to us.
Isn't some of this stuff obvious but difficult? It's not easy to talk about likes and dislikes in the bedroom but sex is an important part of any relationship.
Frustrated Man,
I'd suggest having an open dialogue with your wife on this front, as perhaps she can tell you what's holding her back in the sexual arena.
Sounds like she might benefit from meeting with a professional, too, but I'd say only suggest this if you believe it won't upset her. Presenting it in a "you seem to be battling something, how can I help?" manner is what I've found works best with women, especially those who are slightly down.
And, I'd suggest being persistent, so that it's not something you both can ignore or brush under the rug to later come out as a deeper issue.
I've been married to the love of my life for seven plus years. We have two sons who are holy terrors but are essentially good kids who eventually eat their meals, get to bed on time, etc.
My wife, whose biggest dream was getting married and having kids, is emotionally depressed. 40 hit her last year like a ton of bricks, and she has very little interest in sex. Further, my income has dropped and we made a couple of bad investments last year, so although we have money to survive the current slump, we might exhaust our savings by the end of it. She worries about everything, except, it seems, our sex life. It just fails to meet my needs or wants.
She seems to have arrested her sexual development at age 12. She likes the sexual stimulation when it happens, but she still sees it as kind of dirty and messy (no surprise that she's a bit of a neat freak). She doesn't masturbate, she can't perform oral sex to save her life, and she only likes missionary. She is disgusted by pornography. She rolls her eyes at me when I try to be romantic and playful, which just deflates me, literally and figuratively. And she can't talk about these things because I think she's afraid of the truth.
She's told me that she has contemplated allowing me to take lovers, but I'm a recovering addict. With my propensity toward excess, something that provides as much pleasure as sex could become a problem too. If I had the ability to sleep with other women, I'm afraid I'd get careless, or fall in love with one of them, which would be the worst thing possible.
I read in another article here that masturbation is important as a way to learn more about one's body. I only wish my wife had a relationship with hers on that level. She keeps herself pretty fit and exercises regularly, but it's the sexuality part that is just asleep in her.
Anyone out there with advice?
Sex is such an integral part of discovering each other, especially because it makes us naked to our partners, literally and in other ways. The aim of improving sex should be finding out how to get away from that moment when you look up at the ceiling afterwards and wonder "What was that?" If every sexual encounter is a series of 'ceiling' moments, you need to re-examine the partner( yourself too), and decide what next...
I'm in a new relationship with a very sweet and considerate man who I've admired for years before we actually got together. I am physically attracted to him, btu he is very shy and I always have to direct hi while having sex. I want him to make the first move and be just a bit aggressive (take charge) stop acting like I'll break. I care deeply for him but I am not enjoying the sex. I don't know how to approach him to talk about it without hurting his feelings especiallt since he always ask how it was and I always lie and say great!
Excellent post. I agree with Suzie, more indepth content is a big need. This blog is a good starting point, however. Its so easy to advise, "communicate more" but its hard to find concrete advice on the particulars of successful dialog. keeping it positive at best or neutral at worst, and out of the bedroom, these are excellent pointers. But I definately agree that dishonest (though well intentioned) feedback after inadequate sex merely reinforces mediocre performance. he won't know unless we tell him the truth. Too many men think their thrusting is enough and believe this despite many dissatisfied (silent) partners. Then when a longterm partner finally speaks the truth, he says, "it must be your problem. None of my former partners ever complained" argh. Women -- speak up! Men -- listen up! Frustrated man, congrats on valuing your marriage enough to resist your wife's offer for an open marriage. Let her know you want HER and only her. You want her to experience pleasure, not just get pleasure from her. And tell her you want to help her figure out how you can both get there. I wonder if your "addictive" history has played any role? A mental health specialist (with expertise in both couples work and addiction) might be needed.
I always assumed that any sex was good sex. Like pizza. But I have had learned differently about both since I've moved to New York. I guess beggars can't be choosers.
I think bad sex has to do with two people not being able to move together or a comfort level.. girls that I have slept with that I thought were amazing, my friends said the exact opposite... but I also de believe that practice makes perfect!
No one teaches us about sex. It is a great idea to find good books, DVDs and Internet learning to become educated about your body and great sex. The Internet is especially unique in that it opens up interactivity that allows us to eventually realize that we are really no different than a vast amount of other men and women who are seeking information on the same things we are. It is a great equalizer.
Alcohol's relationship to sex is like cigarettes relationship to sex - both depress it. Alcohol is a depressant after about three-quarters of an hour, even if you've only had one or two glasses of wine. It can, initially, get you over shyness but unless you have sex almost immediately you'll be fighting an up-hill battle. Eventually, with age, alcohol causes impotency by decreasing blood vessel elasticity and size of openings. If blood has got to get all the way to that instrument-of-bliss, when he's in his 50's, he would do well to watch his drinking now. This goes for women too.
The same is true of smoking. It is the number one contra-indicated activity, for good sex, for men and women in their 40's and 50's. Restricted arteries, poor blood flow, lowered dopamine levels and general health decline are all the result of an excess of alcohol and any consumption of cigarettes.
There is so much to learn, I wish Tango would offer more in-depth content in this area. Not the Cosmo fluff but more real, concrete and useful information that creates and encourages sensual and sexual connecting between partners. A recent poll on MSNBC, from a sample of 20,000 respondents, found that 79% have become 'one' with their lover during sex. Now, how can we learn how to make that happen for 100% of the people, 100% of the time!
Yes..drinking men are bummers, especially if they can only have sex after drinking. A waste of time no matter how in love i am i love hot sober sex ..great women need great guys. so for it ...
