Designing your relationships: Discover your needs and values


These are two good examples of legitimate needs that require someone else change something so that your (legitimate) need can be met.

Sometimes you can meet your own need – but other times you need someone else to change something so your need can be met.


Once you have identified that it is up to another person, you’ll need to ask that person to make that change. This isn’t always easy – especially if you think that the other person may be resistant to making that change; or may think you are controlling or over-bearing even thinking to ask them to make a change.

By living an authentic and fulfilled life you identify and honor your needs. Honoring your needs means you respect them and ensure that they are met. As I said earlier, you’ll find that you can meet some of your needs yourself; however, you cannot necessarily meet all of them. Some of your needs can, and must, be met by others. This means that you must have people around you who are able to meet your needs and whom you trust to do just that.

What about values?

Have you ever done something you didn't want to do, just because someone else that you cared about wanted you to?

Think about what happened and how it made you feel afterward. What thoughts did you have? Do you remember having any body sensations? Maybe you felt a pain in your gut, your neck hurt or you felt plain sad?

It’s surprising how someone that you care about can influence you to do things that "go against the grain." Initially, you may do things to make that person happy, because you care, but if you find yourself taking actions that are opposed to your values, you will eventually begin to resent this. I’m sure you can imagine what effect this will have on your relationship.

Values in contrast to needs are almost always internally related. Values cannot be met, so to speak, by another person or by external environments or events changing. This is an important distinction between needs and values.

When you commit to a value and act according to that value, you take on a new energy, which, in turn, attracts great success, achievement and personal happiness. You live by your values. Values drive behavior. Values drive all your choices and all your decision-making.

Every time you fail to do what you know is right for you, that which you hold as a value, you lessen your own certainty and ability to create meaningful relationships. You will also find it hard to do work that engages your spirit and your heart. This will, therefore, make it much harder for you live a happy life.

Each time you compromise to be agreeable you give up some of your freedom and you lose some of your vitality.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

©2009-2010 Dr. Jackie Black, LLC All rights reserved is a member of the Dr. Jackie Black, LLC family of companies
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