Option 2: Tell her your concerns in a caring and compassionate way. (Details on how to do this follow.) What do you have to lose? Your friendship has already been impacted; just look at Option 1.
Give her a little bit of credit, too. Don’t just assume she is going to drop you if you share how you really feel. What if it actually has the opposite effect? What if she were desperately waiting for someone to give her permission to call it off?… Here’s how to have that difficult conversation. By approaching the conversation in this way, you might have a better chance of actually being heard.
Five Things You Can Do to Help Her See the Light
1. Speak up.
2. Validate, then activate.
3. Be nonjudgmental.
4. Shift the focus to you by using “I” statements.
5. Offer concrete help.
1. Speak up. What do you have to lose? There is a good chance your friend will ignore you (or, even worse, end your friendship), but you owe it to her to say something. Yes, she might get defensive, or it may damage your friendship. But think about it this way—if she does end up marrying the wrong guy, your friendship will most likely be impacted anyway. Who wants to hang out with an unemployed video game addict?
2. Validate, then activate. It’s easier to see the truth from a position of strength rather than weakness. Start off by pointing out some of her best qualities. For example, “I have always admired your compassion for others; you deserve to be treated the same way.” Start with a compliment, and she may be more receptive to what you are telling her.
3. Be nonjudgmental. You understand your friend’s strengths and weaknesses. Avoid pushing her buttons. Try to sit down with her and share your concerns in a way that does not come across as judgmental. Don’t say, “We can’t believe you are going to throw your life away by marrying this idiot.” Instead, you can say, “It’s difficult for me to be honest with you because I am afraid it might damage our friendship.” This may give her permission to be honest with herself and open the door for further communication.
4. Shift the focus to you by using “I” statements. We use this approach a lot in therapy, and it is a wonderful tool for defusing difficult conversations. Frame your concerns by starting with “I.” For example: “I feel so uncomfortable when he puts you down and calls you names.” Or say, “I really worry about how isolated you have become since you got engaged to him.” She is much less likely to become defensive with this approach than if you tell her, “You are dating a jackass!”
5. Offer concrete help. Help your friend by eliminating any excuses she has for not ending the relationship. For example, if she is living with her boyfriend, invite her to stay with you for a few days. Tell her you will help her find a new place, and call in the troops to help her pack and move. If wedding plans are under way, tell her that you will cancel the party—and she can cancel the relationship. Say, “I will call all the vendors and try to get your deposits back, plus, I’ll work with your family to take care of the rest of the wedding details.” Lifting these practical burdens may be all she needs to send her boyfriend packing.