3 Ways To Avoid Repeat Mistakes After A Breakup

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3 practical tips on learning from the hurt you felt after a break up and using it to your advantage.

Gerald, a thirty-five year old PR executive came home after a business trip and announced to thirty-year-old Beatrice that he wanted a divorce.

The shock of it made Beatrice stop breathing for a few seconds. She froze in a state of complete disbelief. For a moment there was no reaction, until Gerald started talking again. Then a sharp pain and rage swept her up and made her go on the attack. That was the only way she could shut down the unbearable words that rocked the ground under her feet.

Gerald was talking about all the times he had wanted an expression of love and tenderness and never got it.

He told her about all the efforts he made to show her his love that was not reciprocated. He was faithful, whereas Beatrice had cheated on him at least twice that he knew of. She had never felt sorry , Gerald was describing his loneliness and feelings of not being wanted, of just being a duty. Beatrice didn’t hear his pain, only unfair accusations and suspicion that he must have another woman.

However Gerald had been agonizing over this decision for the last few years. He had never been unfaithful. Beatrice or tried to create a more satisfying marriage. She blamed him for her needing to get her sexual fulfillment elsewhere. He didn’t want to hurt his wife and grown up children, his friends or his close knit community members. He had tried, and hoped and prayed that the hints he gave his wife would be heeded and that she would be more responsive. He had wanted to save his marriage. It was a sacred institution to him and ending it went against his life long principles. Putting up with this conflict had made him feel depressed and even less worthwhile than he did before his marriage.

Men care about relationship quality while women care about having a relationship

Beatrice never got the hints. She took Gerald’s loyalty and principled attitude for granted. So long as they kept up appearances of being a well respected couple in their community that’s all that mattered to her.

As reported in the 2010 Journal of Health and Social Behavior, Gerald like most men was more affected by the quality of the relationship, while Beatrice like most women, was more concerned with having a relationship per se. Men react to the everyday quality of interactions, looking for signs of being valued and loved as a means to maintaining their self-identity and self worth.

Men’s primary source of intimacy is their partner, while for women it is their family and friends. Not having the intimacy he longed for made Gerald angry and stressed. The anger gave him fuel to take action that would make Beatrice ‘get it’ at last.

Unsuccessful Old way : Gerald believed that if he focused on his partner and anticipated their needs, making them feel wanted, then his partner would do the same for him.

This article was originally published at Jeanette Raymond Los Angeles West Side Therapy. Reprinted with permission.
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Dr. Jeanette Raymond

Psychologist

Dr. Jeanette Raymond, psychologist, relationship expert, psychotherapist and coach.

Author of Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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