The Question Unhappily Married Women Need To Ask Themselves
Is one word the reason you are staying married?
Maria Surtu / Shutterstock “Colleen,” says my sister. “You are smarter than this.”
“I know,” I say.
“A lot of women would stay,” she says. “But you know better.”
My sister is referencing our childhood.
Our mother made her way out of a bad relationship. Our father’s drinking was intolerable and one day he left. He ultimately made the decision for her but she knew it was best.
You could say our mom stayed for love and that would be true. She was keeping her family together and that would be true. She was honoring her faith. It would also be true.
There was another truth despite our mother’s strength.
She was afraid.
I had lots of reasons why I remained with my husband. Maybe I should call them excuses. All of them would be my own gospel. I stood valiantly by them.
Unhappily married women need to ask themselves this question: Is one word the reason you are staying married?
Fear.
My sister could see through me. I was frightened. I knew what I needed to do. I knew I needed to get out. I knew what my children needed me to do. I knew my marriage was abusively unhealthy and over.
There’s a problem with remaining in a bad situation for too long. It gnaws away at your being. You begin to question who you are and what you are capable of.
Am I strong enough? Am I brave enough? Am I resilient enough?
Will I make it emotionally? Will I make it financially? Will I be up for the challenges of single parenthood? Will leaving his control be worse than abiding by it?
The fear of leaving, the fear of the unknown, and the fear of me. It became an emotionally paralyzing trifecta. A simple four-letter word can be unquestionably immobilizing.
Fear can force you into denial, despite recognizing your obvious truth.
I’m not alone. I hear from women regularly. They explain their decisions to stay married. It’s not based on happiness. It’s based on fear.
They tell themselves the grass isn’t greener.
They would rather stay married and live two separate lives.
They don’t want to struggle financially. They are staying for their children. They don’t want to give up on their spouse. They make excuses for their partner's bad behavior. They tell themselves it could be worse.
I can’t judge any of them.
I was them.
I had lots of reasons why I was remaining with my husband. Maybe I should call them excuses. All of them would be my own gospel. I stood valiantly by them.
Unhappily married women need to ask themselves this question.
Is one word the reason you are staying married?
Fear.
Colleen Sheehy Orme is a national relationship columnist, journalist, and former business columnist. She writes bout love, life, relationships, family, parenting, divorce, and narcissism.