Why I Run Back To You In A Moment Of Weakness
I desperately cling to the past, hoping that the future belongs to us both.
pixabay via Canva By Kristen Buccigrossi
In a moment of weakness, I break down and begin my search for you.
I feel this emptiness inside and know that you can fill the void, so I attempt to reach out to you. I give into temptation and fight against my willpower in an attempt to hear your voice once more, to ease the pain and brighten the night.
I break down the walls that I have built up in an attempt to let you back in again.
I give into all that I have been fighting for so long, the will to move on from you, to know once more that I might not be the one worth longing for.
But when I reached out to you, there was no reply. I try a few more times, but all I hear is silence and it is deafening.
Did I break you too much with the words that I last said or is there just no point in saying hi?
Did I hurt you by telling you that I deserved more or is it that you knew I would come back all along and want to watch me try?
Did I finally break down those walls and leave you in the cold or was it that you have moved on and I no longer have a place in your life after all?
Did I break something you didn’t think could be broken or is it just not worth the words anymore?
I search our history for the reasons why you don’t want to be around. I over-analyze every encounter we have had, searching for the moment where you thought we weren’t right.
I pick apart every detail looking for the clues to see where we went wrong and why we are not here together. I attempt to think of new ways to break through to you, but it only leaves me feeling more lost and confused.
I think back to all the words I may have said to change my views, but I’m still left with this silence and uneasy feeling that it wasn’t about me all along.
I dream up the ways that you will come back into my life and tell me this was all just a big misunderstanding, we were good for each other from the beginning. Your walls were built too high and you had missed me this entire time.
I look for you in the crowd and wait for you to come rushing back into my life as you always do. I search for you everywhere I go, hoping that one day you will be dreaming of us the same way too.
I desperately cling to the past, hoping that the future belongs to us both.
But for now, I will hold on to the silence, knowing that it might be something that I deserve.
Knowing that on the other end of that phone is someone who is still in my heart, still able to mend the pieces of it together.
Knowing that I might never have that chance again to talk to you, but also knowing that you are still there, receiving the energy that I send out into the world.
Knowing that you are able to see my messages, but actively make the choice not to respond.
I know that I could be the one that broke us all, but hope one day you are able to reach out to me like I always try to do with you.
Kristen Buccigrossi is a writer and Pittsburgh on-air radio personality whose work has been published in Huffington Post, Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, YourTango, and Unwritten.