... featuring advice from YourTango Expert Singles Warehouse!
Welcome to Online Dating Bootcamp: Day 10! Today is all about how to tell if your online match is long-term relationship material, featuring advice from YourTango Expert Singles Warehouse. (Wanna brush up on Bootcamp Days 1-9? Start here.)
Be honest. Every time you check your email, are you hoping for a message from that guy you met online? Do you get butterflies when you see his email address in your inbox? This could be the start of something special ... or it could just be a little fling. How can you tell if your online match is really for you? Look for these ten signs to find out.
1. There's no stop and go. When online dating, you'll encounter a lot of people who are good at pulling the disappearing act. You'll be mid- conversation, when — poof! — they disappear for two weeks, and then appear again as if nothing ever happened. If you're talking to someone who is very consistent in their frequency of communication — and that frequency is frequent — that means a few good things.
First, it means you are probably the only person they are talking to. They don't have time to email a dozen people multiple times a day. Second, it means they are ready to prioritize love. They don't just forget about their online dating account because work got busy or guests came into town.
2. You want a date at the same time. You both hit the, "Perhaps we should meet …" point at the exact same time. This means, you act on the same instinct — your instincts respond to the same stimuli. Something about that last conversation you had said to both of you, "It's time to meet this person." Odds are, if your timing matches up on that, it will match up on other things, like when you say "I love you," or when you decide to move in together.
3. You email about the little things. Do you feel the need to email someone about every funny thing that happens in an elevator, or in line at the grocery store? Are you thrilled to read their similar emails? That's wonderful. Why? Because 90% of life is insignificant, minute, and just silly. You want to be with someone who makes the small, insignificant parts of life fun and entertaining — someone whose perspective and humor on life amuses you. Also, if you're thinking of someone when even the tiniest thing happens, they must have caught your attention somehow.
4. You share the same theory on timing. You both think it's important to be single for three months, six months, two years … after ending a serious relationship. How much importance someone puts on spending time alone between relationships is telling of many important traits.
First, it tells you how happy they are in their individual life — how fulfilled they are with their career, their social life, their hobbies and so on. An unhappy person looks to always have a relationship to fill their void. Next, it shows you how independent they are. If a person is okay with being alone for long periods of time, they most likely won't be an irrationally needy partner.
5. The serious things aren't serious. Have an alcoholic aunt? What about a dad who's cheated on your mom more times than you can count? If you find yourself joking about these parts of your life with someone you met online, that's a very good sign. For some reason, there are people who just open us up — people who make us feel like our dirty laundry isn't all that dirty.
You want someone who is able to roll with the punches and find the humor in the dark things that happen in life. It's rare to find a person who makes you more willing to roll with the punches and find the humor in things. If you find them, see if you can keep them.
6. You define "partner" the same way. You'll find a lot of people online "looking to be treated like a princess" or "looking for their princess." Good. Those two should meet. Everyone has a different idea of what purpose a partner should serve in their life.
To you, is a partner a best friend? Is it someone you want to share every little thing with, or, would you reserve some info for just your friends? Get into conversations with someone online about detailed ways they want a partner involved in their life. If your criteria match up almost eye to eye, you'd most likely have a very smooth relationship.
7. You've met the same number of people. You've both met only four or five people from the internet, in person, in the last three months. Or, you've both met 30. Okay, stay away from people who've met 30 people in three months. But, if you've both met around the same number of people, that means you are equally as selective. You both require the same amount or type of information from someone before committing to meeting them in person. That sameness in judgment when it comes to online dating probably translates to judgment in other parts of life.
8. They find your warnings cute. "I think you should know I over-think things;" "I think you should know I cry a lot;" "I think you should know I play crazy violent video games." It's such a great feeling to be able to tell someone something that previous partners found odd or annoying about you, and have them clearly not even flinch. If you can "warn" someone about something about you, and to them it's not even a bad thing, you're on your way to a good thing. Plus, the fact that you could tell them about that thing means they already make you comfortable.
9. You both get offline at the same time. After spending some real life time together, you both decide on your own, separately (but you eventually find out) that it's time to shut down that online dating profile. That's a big commitment — cutting off the possibility of meeting all those matches. That really means something. Again, it's like #2 on this list: you act on the same instinct.
10. You lose the sense that you met online. When you just completely fall into a quality and effortless relationship with someone, it will feel weird when people ask you, "So, how'd you meet?" We associate online dating with effort — something you don't associate a quality relationship with. Also, when it's just right, the person slips into your life so seamlessly, it feels like you could have just met them at a bar on any given night. You feel like, put in your presence in any way, you would have ended up together regardless. If you feel funny saying, "We met online," you've found the other pea to your pod.
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Come back tomorrow for Online Dating Bootcamp: Day 11, "Internet Safety: How To Be Bold While Playing It Safe" featuring a video by YourTango Expert Louann Schwager Tung.