Why It's Hard To Let Go After A Break Up

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Why It's Hard To Let Go After A Break Up
Your brain could be playing tricks on you post breakup.

Most romantic relationships start out strong. There's usually instant physical attraction and the heady feeling that you actually may be falling in love. As things progress, you get more confidence in the relationship, in your ability to love and be loved. Soon you have no doubt that you've found your perfect partner.

But most of the relationships you'll go through will suffer a break up until you actually meet Mr. Right. These relationships aren't meant to last, and will begin to fall apart anywhere from a few months to a few years. If the man is the one who makes the decision to walk away, it can leave you devastated and confused. After a break up like this, you'll be desperate for answers. You'll think of the love you shared and assume it should still be there. Even if there were signs before the break up that things were changing for the worse, you'll find yourself clinging to the memory of the past and how good it was. Why do we persist in continuing a sense of disbelief and longing for a relationship and a man who's no longer there?

Well, brain specialists have recognized this can be a biological reaction in our brains. You can become "addicted" to a state of mind that keeps you in a state of longing for the past. After a break up, you can actually remember everything that happened in an ultra-positive light. You see the past through rose-colored glasses and only focus on the times when he was good and loving. This is a mental trap. It will keep you stuck in the present with a broken heart and broken dreams. By longing for the past you'll keep obsessing on an old relationship for months and even years.

The best way to change these obsessive thoughts and release the past for good is to make yourself do an autopsy of the relationship. You need to get real and make yourself remember the things that were not so good. After all, if it was all good you'd still be together as a loving couple. You have to burst the bubble of your fantasy and let yourself see how he wasn't perfect, and neither were you.

Telling yourself that because love was there once it should still be there is a recipe for self-delusion and pain. The nature of being human is that our feelings change, and sometimes we don't know why — they just do.

If you find yourself reaching back to the past for proof he still loves you, stop! Don’t let longing take over your thinking. The best thing you can do is accept the change in his feelings; even he can't explain it, and you don't understand it. Avoid looking back and start to look forward again to meet your Mr. Right.

More on How To Move On from YourTango:

This article was originally published at It's Never Too Late to Marry . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by

Virginia Clark

Relationship Coach

My book,  "It's Never Too Late To Marry: How to Have the Man and the Marriage of Your Dreams" is available for instant download. It will teach you the 6 essential steps you need to go from single to married to the right man for you!

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