3 Tiny Habits Of Couples In Marriages That Actually Last
A quality coupling starts with you.
Darren Baker | Canva I just celebrated my 33rd wedding anniversary with my wife and I enjoy the creative process of keeping things alive and fresh in my happy marriage. Yes, a passionate marriage is created — by paying attention to each other, courageously communicating, doing new things, and also keeping yourself interesting. The only way to keep yourself interesting is to lean over beyond your edge.
Your edge, as David Deida says in his book, The Way of the Superior Man, is the line where you go from being comfortable to slightly uncomfortable. It is that line that once you cross it, you are in a somewhat new territory. You are growing and you are developing. You don’t hang out in your comfort zone much of the time. Instead, you expand your comfort zone as you take chances. How do you take chances? Do something new that makes you interesting and alive. And at the same time be interested in your partner and his or her well-being. In my book, The Long Hot Marriage, I talk about 3 very important aspects of creating a passionate long-term relationship.
Here are 3 tiny habits of couples in the longest-lasting marriages:
1. They see the best in their partner and learn how to bring out the best in him or her
2. They learn how to deal with emotional pain in such a way that the pain connects you both rather than disconnects you both
Pain never breaks up relationships; only disconnection breaks up relationships.
3. They uplift their partner
Part of living on that edge is to be an uplifting person in your partner’s life. It is your job to uplift the energy of your partner. Of course, it is your partner's job to lift his or her energy as well, but let’s face it — you are an interpersonal center of influence and you might as well use it for love, pleasure, and all things good! Many couples fall asleep at the wheel. They get into ruts sometime after they are committed. It is time to wake up, appreciate the best in each other, develop the emotional muscle to deal with emotional pain maturely and lovingly, and lastly, create an interpersonal adventure both in and out of the bedroom with your intimate partner.
It is hard to do this on your own. To evolve, we often need a therapist who can not only help us see the blocks and limiting fears and patterns but also a coach who can challenge us to reach our relationship potential. Be alive with yourself and your partner. Don’t settle. Do everything you can to increase your capacity to give and receive love and pleasure. It is time to have a passionate marriage and for most of you, whether you believe it or not at the present moment, it is possible!
Todd Creager is a marriage and intimacy therapist, author, and speaker. He has been seen on Dating Advice, Celebuzz!, and more.