Wanting your ex back is a process many people go through after a breakup. Sometimes, this yearning is immediate, setting in the instant you and your partner call it quits. Other times, it’s a bit of a late reaction. You may date around or go a few months before regret sets in.
But, whether wanting your ex back happens right away, or a little further on down the road, whenever this desire rears its enticing head, you should keep three things in mind:
It’s Natural: The first thing to keep in mind is that wanting your ex back is totally natural: many people experience it. In fact, when it comes to relationships, many of us automatically revert back to our three year old selves: we don’t want to play with a toy until we are told we can’t (or until someone else has it).
Wanting your ex back is something that nearly everyone who goes through a breakup experiences, albeit at different degrees. Some people want to reconcile with such fierceness that they devote nearly all of their time and energy to recapturing a long lost love. Others experience something much more fickle: they only want their ex back during times of loneliness or, of course, after downing lots of boxed wine.
Still, no matter if the urge is subtle or completely extreme, wanting your ex back is as natural as crying when watching a Nicholas Spark’s movie: it happens to almost all of us, even though we don’t always admit it.
It’s Possible to Get Them Back: The second thing to keep in mind about wanting your ex back is that it is indeed possible to get them back. Even if they had an affair, even if words you would never say in front of your grandmother were exchanged, even if very expensive baseball card collections were thrown out the window of a moving car, no matter what happened, it’s possible to reconcile.
This is because most relationships are indeed salvageable. Even when the breakup is one sided — for instance, you desperately want to stay together — you are seriously willing to do anything — but your partner wants to call it quits; they have met someone else and want to try to see how things transpire with them — even then, it’s possible to capture the love you once had.
It Requires Change: The third thing to remember about wanting your ex back directly ties into the possibility of getting them back: reconciliation takes effort, especially on your part.
Relationships are not one ways streets: it takes two people to drive them right into a dead end as much as it takes two people to drive them into the bliss of happily ever after. But, and this is a huge baby-got-back but, when reconciling you will get nowhere if you place any blame on the other person’s shoulders.
Because you are the one who wants to reconcile, you are the one who must change, at least for now. If you go to your ex and tell them that the two of you can work if you do this and they do that, they are likely to get defensive, and want to reconcile about as much as they want a root canal sans Novocain.
Instead, you need to be willing to change and — what’s more — show your ex how much you have changed; words alone are akin to empty promises, and usually not enough to reel your fish back to shore. You do this by looking closely at your relationship and figuring out what and how it went wrong. Then, you figure out your role in the demise.
Whatever role you had — whether large or small or somewhere in the middle — you change your behaviors. This will not only serve you well (everyone can benefit from fixing their faults) but it will make you look attractive in the eyes of the one who got away...as well as a slug of others.
To learn more about wanting your ex back, click here.
More on How To Fix A Relationship from YourTango: