Affairs are rampant, you may have considered having one yourself. In a recent research article, Ashley Madison surveyed their clients and found that "Women Seek Affairs, Not Divorce". When it comes to long term relationships and marriage it’s easy to turn on the auto pilot switch and neglect each other. You have your life with your friends and family and he has his life. You are living in the same house leading parallel lives with very little interaction. Both of you have the need for intimacy and connection and neither knows how to bridge the gap to find the spark you once had.
Rather than reach out to each other for comfort from this silent pain, one or both reach out to a third person and cheats. Most people do not want to disrupt the status quo of their relationship so they keep the cheating a secret. The secret itself tells a lot about the quality of the relationship. The cheater knows the partner would not like the behavior yet does it anyway. The cheater is only thinking of themselves when cheating and not about how it will impact their partner or their family. When the secret is revealed, relational devastation results, making it extremely difficult for couples to heal from the wounds of the infidelity.
But yet is happen. Why? Lets take a look at what makes women vulnerable to cheating and how it can be prevented by putting in some extra effort into the relationship.
1. Little shared time together as a couple.
When you don't have time together, there are no shared experiences to help you feel close emotionally. With out a close emotional bond, sex can become meaningless.
Solution: Find fun ways to spend time together; go to a county fair, go on rides at an amusement park, raft down a river, bike or hike a trail, go on a car ride adventure, explore historical sites nearby, take a art class, go kayaking, go to a movie or show. Doing something that is fun and out of the ordinary together creates an enjoyable shared experience, which can enhance bedroom time later.
2. Sex life is routine.
After being together for many years, couples tend to settle in on a few routines in the bedroom. These routines are the things that have worked the best for the couple, but have faded in appeal over time. Many couples don't talk about these routines; instead they accept them, as this is how it will always be.
Solution: Spicing it up in the bedroom can ignite a spark that was once thought gone. Start with small changes first. Try lighting candles to create a romantic mood, get a babysitter for the kids, wear attractive clothing not the usual sweats and an oversized tshirt, bathe or shower together, or ask your partner how they want to be touched this time. Adding new elements to the lovemaking process reignites intrigue and interest. Try it out and see for yourself.
3. You're too tired and busy.
Being so busy with life you don't have time for your self or your spouse leads many relationships vulnerable to infidelity. You each are so caught up in the many details of the kids, work, church, school, etc., problems you need to solve, you cut out the very person who could be a source of support for you: your spouse.
Solution: Make your relationship your priority, and everything else less of a priority. If your primary concern is supporting and being supported by your spouse then the school board problem doesn’t matter so much. If you stop worrying about things that don't matter you just might have more energy for things that do like your marriage.
4. Not wanting to upset her husband, by admitting her boredom with sex.
When a woman tells her husband she wants him to change his sexual behavior after they have been doing the same thing for years, he is likely to feel criticized or inadequate. Wives don't want to hurt their husbands intentionally so they don't say anything. Sexuality is a sensitive subject for most and talking about it brings up feelings of shame, especially if feeling criticized or feeling inadequate. This is true for men and women.
Solution: Wrap your love and admiration of you husband into how you would like to add to the bedroom experience at a time when you are not being sexual. Invite him to add what he would like to experience as well. Agree together how to proceed forward the next time you make love.
5. Not understanding the initial feeling of sexual attraction is temporary.
In our youth, all we know of love is the sexual tension that exists in early relationships. Our relationships do not mature past the excitement and newness phase of being a brand new couple. It feels exquisite, exhilarating, and awesome to be chosen and be at one with another person. The problem is, this state of being does not last for any couple that chooses to stay together. Many people yearn for the feeling of this early stage of attraction. This yearning is what has kept the population growing, a good thing for survival of the species. However, It doesn't work so well for long-term relationships. Cheating on a committed relationship causes devastation to the one you committed yourself to.
Solution: Recognize the early attraction feeling was adaptive for survival of the species. The yearning you are feeling is for connection, and you have a spouse who wants to connect with you. You can choose to talk with your spouse about your feelings and develop a more open and honest relationship by sharing and working through the feelings that you both have.
Before you decide to cheat out of boredom with your sex life, ask yourself "Have I tried everything possible with my spouse to address my boredom issue?" If you honestly have tried everything in the article and seen a therapist then it's your decision to make. If you haven't done everything possible don't you owe it to yourself and your spouse to find out together? Believe me, once a spouse finds out about infidelity, the pain is much worse than if you tell them you are bored of sex. Many people are scared and fearful of how to share their feelings. If you have gotten to the end of what you know how to do to share your feelings in a safe way, that's where a qualified Mental Health Therapist can help.
More infidelity advice on YourTango:
- How To Save Your Marriage When You Feel Hopeless [EXPERT]
- How to Move On From A Painful Breakup
- Divorce: Expert Advice & Survival Tips