Dear Dr Tammy,
My husband works a lot and doesn’t get home from work until late in the evenings. I have an office in the house and take care of the kids. At night we are both exhausted and many times fall asleep in front of the TV. We used to have a great sex life. But we seem to be drifting apart. I’m getting resentful, and I worry about our relationship.
Thanks for your help,
Desperate in Dallas
Many couples can have trouble finding the energy and the enthusiasm to keep up an exciting sex life. Stress, exhaustion, kids, boredom - they can all lead to lack of energy for sex in your relationship. One real solution is to plan a sex date once a week. Carve out a time for sex in your schedule, the same time every week. Is it spontaneous? No - but you can be as spontaneous as you want - if you plan it.
Here's how it works:
- Sex Date -
Make a date with your partner for sex. Pick a day during the week and stick to it. Try to make it the same day or night every week. And make that night sacred. Do not have a big meal or too much to drink, that will only make you tired and not in the mood. Sex date night is a commitment. Show up even if you’re tired, angry, or don’t feel like it. You don’t have to have intercourse. Use the time to lay naked together, talk about fantasy or dance to candlelight. But use sex date night as a time to honor the erotic in your relationship. Every other night is about the kids, the house, the day to day life of marriage. Make one night about love making.
Use small acts to create anticipation for the big night. For example, a few days before the date, show your partner a little physical affection, a touch, a kiss on the back of the neck. Attempt to connect and remind them that the date is coming - whisper in their ear the things you want to do to them on your sex date. On the third day, bring home a surprise. This can be something like a card or small token gift. The surprise might be something you can use on your sex date.
On the big day, create an atmosphere in the bedroom that will remind both of you that this is a sacred, erotic space for you to enjoy together. Light candles, put fresh flowers by the bed, or put soft sheets and blankets on the bed. Make an extra effort to pick out music your partner will like.
Remember to keep your expectations open and reasonable. Massage, communication, and sharing fantasies can make this an important night of sensual pleasures.
Having a sex date night can mean that every other night of the week your partner doesn’t have to feel pressure to perform, and you don’t have to worry about feeling rejected. Neither of you have to wonder if sex is going to happen. You both know that sex date night is on the calendar. And the anticipation may actually increase your erotic attraction for each other. You may find that the sexual energy between you flows into other nights of the week as well.
Dr Tammy Nelson is a sex and relationship expert and the author of What’s Eating You?, Getting the Sex You Want and the upcoming The New Monogamy due out in 2012. Connect with Tammy at http://www.drtammynelson.com