By Tammy Nelson — Written on Oct 01, 2010
Great sex is always spontaneous and spur of the moment, right? Wrong. If you and your partner are like most couples, you have a busy life. Work can take up most of your day. Getting home at night can mean more work with home and family. You may not be thinking about sweeping the dirty dishes off of the kitchen table and spontaneously inviting your partner to “Take me NOW!”
You’ve heard that you can schedule in sex write it in your calendar, plug it into your BlackBerry. But you’re worried that if sex isn’t spontaneous, it won’t be good sex.
Scheduling a date for sex might sound like it kills all spontaneity, but think about it. When you were dating, you knew how the night would end. You planned for those sexy nights carefully. It might have felt spontaneous, but you anticipated your dates and you prepared. You dressed up in sexy clothes, you shaved or waxed or wore perfume. You looked forward to being together with your new partner. Your brain began releasing hormones and chemicals that prepared the way for a hot and sexy evening. Thinking about sex got you in the mood for sex. Knowing it was coming made for some hot fantasies. This is what I call anticipatory eroticism.
Creating a sex date with your partner, committing to the same day and time every week will help to bring anticipatory eroticism back to your sex life. By allowing a special time each week dedicated to your sexual connection, you show your partner that you still want to dress up for him, (maybe even shave or wax) and that you are still excited about the prospect of being intimate/having sex.
This weekly sex date is not a night to go out to dinner or to the movies. It’s a night, morning or afternoon to stay home (and in bed!), and it’s carved out of your busy lives just as a regular date would be. You each commit to showing up for your sex date whether or not you are tired, would rather watch television or even when you’re angry with each other—because it should be that sacred to you. You want your attention, and commitment, to your sex date to show your partner how much you love, desire, value and respect them.
Though it may feel forced or funny at first, after a few weeks, you will find yourself anticipating your sex date. Your body will remind you that it is only a few days away. You will have thoughts and memories of past sex date nights. You might even start planning new things to add to your special night. Sex date will become a special time that you anticipate together.
On your sex date, you don’t have to have intercourse. Sexual contact can mean many things. Sex date night can be filled with sensual and erotic pleasures of all kinds, including laying naked together, sensual full body touching, massage with aromatherapy oils, pleasuring your partner with your hands or pleasuring your own body while your partner watches. Let yourself be spontaneous in the moment. Sex dates mean you can be as spontaneous as you want…if you plan it.
For your sex date, create an atmosphere in the bedroom that will remind both of you that this is a sacred, erotic space for you to play safely in together. Light candles, try a vase with fresh flowers, and put soft sheets and blankets on the bed. Make an extra effort to pick out music your partner will like.
Keep your expectations open and reasonable. If the date doesn’t live up to your expectations, remember that this night is about sexual connection and sensuality. Massage, communication and sharing fantasies can make this an important night of sensual pleasures.
Anticipating sex is part of rejuvenating the excitement of sexuality. In our busy lives most of us make time for what is crucial to our survival; work, sleep, food. But sex and passion are important to the survival of your relationship. Making time for eroticism means you can still be spontaneous, if you are sure to mark it in your calendars every week.
Summary: Schedule a sex date at the same time or day every week. Turn your bedroom into a sacred space, decorate it with flowers or candles, and turn on soft music and soft lighting. Change your sheets and scent the room. Ironically, spontaneity only happens when you plan it!