The Key to Great Sex: Planning A Sex Date


The Key to Great Sex: Planning A Sex Date

Great sex is always spontaneous and spur of the moment, right? Wrong. If you and your partner are like most couples, you have a busy life. Work can take up most of your day. Getting home at night can mean more work with home and family. You may not be thinking about sweeping the dirty dishes off of the kitchen table and spontaneously inviting your partner to “Take me NOW!”

You’ve heard that you can schedule in sex write it in your calendar, plug it into your BlackBerry. But you’re worried that if sex isn’t spontaneous, it won’t be good sex.

Scheduling a date for sex might sound like it kills all spontaneity, but think about it. When you were dating, you knew how the night would end. You planned for those sexy nights carefully. It might have felt spontaneous, but you anticipated your dates and you prepared. You dressed up in sexy clothes, you shaved or waxed or wore perfume. You looked forward to being together with your new partner. Your brain began releasing hormones and chemicals that prepared the way for a hot and sexy evening. Thinking about sex got you in the mood for sex. Knowing it was coming made for some hot fantasies. This is what I call anticipatory eroticism.

Creating a sex date with your partner, committing to the same day and time every week will help to bring anticipatory eroticism back to your sex life. By allowing a special time each week dedicated to your sexual connection, you show your partner that you still want to dress up for him, (maybe even shave or wax) and that you are still excited about the prospect of being intimate/having sex.

This weekly sex date is not a night to go out to dinner or to the movies. It’s a night, morning or afternoon to stay home (and in bed!), and it’s carved out of your busy lives just as a regular date would be. You each commit to showing up for your sex date whether or not you are tired, would rather watch television or even when you’re angry with each other—because it should be that sacred to you. You want your attention, and commitment, to your sex date to show your partner how much you love, desire, value and respect them.

Though it may feel forced or funny at first, after a few weeks, you will find yourself anticipating your sex date. Your body will remind you that it is only a few days away. You will have thoughts and memories of past sex date nights. You might even start planning new things to add to your special night. Sex date will become a special time that you anticipate together.

On your sex date, you don’t have to have intercourse. Sexual contact can mean many things. Sex date night can be filled with sensual and erotic pleasures of all kinds, including laying naked together, sensual full body touching, massage with aromatherapy oils, pleasuring your partner with your hands or pleasuring your own body while your partner watches. Let yourself be spontaneous in the moment. Sex dates mean you can be as spontaneous as you want…if you plan it.

For your sex date, create an atmosphere in the bedroom that will remind both of you that this is a sacred, erotic space for you to play safely in together. Light candles, try a vase with fresh flowers, and put soft sheets and blankets on the bed. Make an extra effort to pick out music your partner will like.

To really make this advice work, you need to follow these action steps to complete today's challenge.

Right now, I want you to:

Schedule a time for once a week, every week, at the same time, to meet your lover for a special sex date! Dedicate this sacred time to your erotic life. Make it a sexy rendez-vous that you both look forward to. Write it in your calendars and plug it into your BlackBerries now!

Within 7 days I want you to:

Have your first sex date: Remind your partner several days in advance that you can’t wait for your sex date. Build the anticipation. Leave each other notes on the mirror, in his briefcase, whisper fantasies in her ear about what you are looking forward to on your sex date. When the time comes, prepare the room with candles, soft music, satin sheets and share a long sexy massage.

By the end of the challenge I want you to:

Review your sex dates so far: Tell your partner three things you have appreciated about your sex dates this month. Go over what has worked for both of you and what you hope to try during future dates. Add one fantasy to the schedule now and put it in your calendars. Remember, anticipation is half the fun!

Share this with someone you love (or even like a lot)!

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Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Tammy Nelson


Tammy Nelson, PhD, LPC email me at

Location: Ridgefield, CT
Credentials: LPC, PhD
Specialties: Couples/Marital Issues, Sex Therapy
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