Bring Bondage Into Your Bedroom (Safely!) To Spice Up Your Sex Life

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You have a fantasy. You think about it a lot. You leave silk scarves out on the side of the bed for your partner to see, hoping they will get the hint, but you haven’t brought it up directly.

You have a bondage fantasy: you want your partner to tie you up.

In a study done in Quebec published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine64% of women and 53% of men have fantasies of being dominated. Also, 36.3% of women have had fantasies of being spanked or whipped by someone, and 28.5% of men have those same desires.

These are submission fantasies.


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Being into bondage means you want to be tied up or restricted in some way, or would like to do it to your partner to enhance your erotic experience. This might mean you are 'submissive' or 'kinky'. Maybe you want to try being tied up because it sounds hot! Whatever the reason, bondage seems like a fun thing you want to try.

Your bondage fantasies could mean that you are into a little ‘scarf play’ — tying someone up — or if you want to be a sexual submissive, maybe you want your partner to have some type of power over you during sex. Being a sexual dominant means that you have fantasies of being in charge or bossing your partner around during sex or outside of bed for erotic charge.

If you have fantasized about different kinds of bondage, you might have fantasies of being restrained by rope or with special leather restraints made especially for erotic play. You could be into chains and handcuffs, or maybe being completely bound, hand and foot.

Your imagination is the only thing limiting you!


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Japanese rope bondage, also known as ‘shibari’, is a technique of restraint where the person doing the tying uses very elaborate rope moves and arranges the submissive in designs that can look like a dress or suspension harness. There is an art form to this type of play, and it can be acted out on stage in performance art, or a slow erotic dance, where both the person performing the bondage and the submissive up can enter into a trance-like state.

No matter the type of bondage you are interested in, this kind of interaction during sex appeals to many people for many different reasons.


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Depending on the level of immobility you desire, bondage allows unlimited accessibility and can create a humiliation submission/domination scene. It can be a fun way to act out a power role-play by asking your partner to tie you up, or it can be very erotic to surrender completely to the dominant partner.

This kind of role-play, when done well, can make sex exciting, but the MOST important part of bondage is SAFETY.


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Before you begin your bondage scene, practice tying a knot that will not tighten when pulled. Make sure you look online to find out how to safely tie a knot to prevent accidently cutting off your partner’s circulation. Never wrap rope or scarves around anyone’s neck or you may cut off their airways. To avoid rope burns, only use silk rope or soft scarves.

If you are uncertain about anything, go to a sex toy store and ask the experts for advice to have lots of sexy fun!

Another crucial part of bondage? Consent!

Remember to always get permission and make sure your partner really means 'yes' when they say 'yes', and decide together on a safe word before you begin. A safe word is a neutral word to use when things are getting too uncomfortable and you want to stop the ‘scene.’ Choose a word other than 'no' or 'stop' — typically one you would never use in the moment — like ‘orange’ or ‘popsicle’. You may use the safe word for ANY reason to stop the scene. 

If you're granting total control to someone in a bondage scene and cannot give a verbal safe word, make sure you set up a way beforehand to let them know that you are comfortable or if you need to stop. Remember to have a nonverbal signal if things get too uncomfortable so that your partner can quickly release you.

Are you kinky if you want to be tied up? Maybe. Good for you! Go ahead and explore your kinky side. Just remember to be safe, have a safe word and know your knots. And have fun.

Dr. Tammy Nelson is a sex and relationship expert and the author of Getting the Sex You Want, a book to help couples enhance their sexual pleasure! You can look for more guidance and expert sex advice at her website, DrTammyNelson.com.

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