You're 'Right'. He's 'Wrong'. How To Make Up And Move On ASAP

By

Effective Communication: The Right Way To Argue With Your Partner
It's easier than you think to stop a hurtful battle in your relationship.

It's that tender and raw topic that both of you try to avoid but it seems to surface again and again.

Every couple has at least one (and usually more) subject that they dance around and try to ignore because it causes conflict. This is that thing they have "agreed to disagree" about but this hasn't set it to rest.

  • It's the money that one wants to save and the other wants to spend.
  • It's the commitment that one wants to make and the other would like to put off.
  • It's the sex that one wants more of and the other is perfectly happy with as is.

This isn't the only fodder for argument that couples today face. Jealousy, trust issues, parenting decisions and more can lead to unending simmering tension or a full-blown shouting match.

Sometimes the communication styles of each person in a relationship lead them to argue about even the littlest issues. Other times, the two "store up" irritation and resentment until it can't be held in any longer. It comes out in a huge eruption that often leaves both embarrassed and in pain.

Arguing isn't necessarily bad for your love relationship or marriage. When you remain silent, the confusion and misunderstandings are more likely to build and grow. Anger that's shoved down is just as unhealthy as anger that's spewed out. But, the longer you let an argument go on, the more distant you become and the more damage that occurs—sometimes it's impossible to repair.

But you don't want it to get that far. These ABCs of ending an argument will teach you how to work through the tension and re-establish peace and connection...

Ask Questions
Find out more about what your partner thinks and wants. Your initial impressions are sometimes flat-out wrong or skewed by your own attachment to "your" position. When you ask a question — and do so with genuine curiosity —you widen your view. Instead of being rigidly entrenched in the way you see things, you consider more options. Remember, when you listen to what your partner wants it does NOT mean you are "giving in" or ignoring what's important to you.

Bump The Blame
To truly end an argument, there's no room for blame. Do take responsibility for yelling, name calling or jumping to conclusions if that's what you've done. Do acknowledge your role in the stress you both feel. And do let your partner know how hurt/sad/frustrated/angry you feel because of specific words or actions, but bump the blame. It's not going to help you resolve the argument and move forward.

Create Agreements
When you set aside blame and take a wider view of the decision or troubling situation, you can more easily see where there's overlap between what you want and what your partner wants. From that place of overlap, come up with an agreement. When you work together, you may find the new solution is actually better than what either of you were individually set on. Be specific and affirmative with your agreement so that you both are on board with and understand what the next step will be.

The way you speak to your partner during a disagreement or in everyday conversation really matters. Find out which words and phrases to use (and which ones to avoid) in this free communication video: www.magicrelationshipwords.com

More effective communication advice on YourTango:

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Susie & Otto Collins

Author

Susie and Otto Collins are relationship coaches and authors who help couples communicate, connect and create the passionate relationships they desire.



 

Location: Columbus, OH
Credentials: BS, CCC
Specialties: Communication Problems, Couples/Marital Issues
Other Articles/News by Susie & Otto Collins:

What To Do When You Feel Needy

By

It is a rare person who hasn't ever felt needy. You know the feeling. The urge to know — in that moment — that the one you love is interested in you, cares about how you're doing, wants to spend time with you and genuinely loves you. You want some sign that you're special to your spouse or partner. What's emotionally painful about ... Read more

5 Cures For Your Biggest Jealousy Triggers

By

Sam feels frustrated after a visit with his doctor. His blood pressure is high and he's developing a stomach ulcer. None of these health conditions are a big surprise to Sam. He's been super stressed for months and it's largely because of all of his pent up feelings. It all started when Sam's wife's ex-husband moved back to their small ... Read more

4 Ways Jealousy Actually Helps Your Relationship

By

What you hear about jealousy can be confusing. It's unpleasant, emotionally painful to experience and can cause you to act paranoid and so unlike the person you want to be (and truly are). But... Sometimes, jealousy can seem to get you what you've been longing for — your partner's attention. This is why certain websites and magazine ... Read more

See More

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.