It's easier than you think to stop a hurtful battle in your relationship.
It's that tender and raw topic that both of you try to avoid but it seems to surface again and again.
Every couple has at least one (and usually more) subject that they dance around and try to ignore because it causes conflict. This is that thing they have "agreed to disagree" about but this hasn't set it to rest.
- It's the money that one wants to save and the other wants to spend.
- It's the commitment that one wants to make and the other would like to put off.
- It's the sex that one wants more of and the other is perfectly happy with as is.
Sometimes the communication styles of each person in a relationship lead them to argue about even the littlest issues. Other times, the two "store up" irritation and resentment until it can't be held in any longer. It comes out in a huge eruption that often leaves both embarrassed and in pain.
Arguing isn't necessarily bad for your love relationship or marriage. When you remain silent, the confusion and misunderstandings are more likely to build and grow. Anger that's shoved down is just as unhealthy as anger that's spewed out. But, the longer you let an argument go on, the more distant you become and the more damage that occurs—sometimes it's impossible to repair.
But you don't want it to get that far. These ABCs of ending an argument will teach you how to work through the tension and re-establish peace and connection...
Find out more about what your partner thinks and wants. Your initial impressions are sometimes flat-out wrong or skewed by your own attachment to "your" position. When you ask a question — and do so with genuine curiosity —you widen your view. Instead of being rigidly entrenched in the way you see things, you consider more options. Remember, when you listen to what your partner wants it does NOT mean you are "giving in" or ignoring what's important to you.
Bump The Blame
To truly end an argument, there's no room for blame. Do take responsibility for yelling, name calling or jumping to conclusions if that's what you've done. Do acknowledge your role in the stress you both feel. And do let your partner know how hurt/sad/frustrated/angry you feel because of specific words or actions, but bump the blame. It's not going to help you resolve the argument and move forward.
When you set aside blame and take a wider view of the decision or troubling situation, you can more easily see where there's overlap between what you want and what your partner wants. From that place of overlap, come up with an agreement. When you work together, you may find the new solution is actually better than what either of you were individually set on. Be specific and affirmative with your agreement so that you both are on board with and understand what the next step will be.
The way you speak to your partner during a disagreement or in everyday conversation really matters. Find out which words and phrases to use (and which ones to avoid) in this free communication video: www.magicrelationshipwords.com
More effective communication advice on YourTango:
- The Key To Effective Communication
- Say What?: Effective Communication For Your Love Life
- Online Dating Tips For Single Men