5 Questions To Ask Yourself When You're Worried That Intense Feelings Of Jealousy Are Ruining Your Relationship
Jealousy can be very stressful and unhealthy. These 5 questions will provide relieve and comfort.
by Ryan Moreno on Unsplash In any romance, feeling a bit jealous is bound to happen now and again. But if you're worried that intense feelings of jealousy are interfering with your relationship and threatening to ruin your intimacy, then you need to learn how to stop being jealous.
Always having a sense of envy or concern that you can't trust your boyfriend or significant other can leave you feeling sick and cause stress-filled fights and unnecessary arguments. So how can you tell when your feelings have taken over your relationship and you need help on how to overcome jealousy?
When you have a jealous habit, it’s not only your emotional health that suffers. Persistent worry and anxiety can lead to serious physical health problems like elevated blood pressure, high blood sugar levels, and a spike in triglycerides.
All of these can cause major (even life-threatening) health crises. The body cannot function as it needs to when it’s trying to handle lots of stress.
And stress is what jealousy adds to your life.
Aside from the physical ailments that can occur, jealousy can put your relationship at risk too. It’s nearly impossible to build and maintain connection, intimacy, and trust with your partner when jealousy is there.
You may already know all of this and maybe you're sick of feeling horrible, but you still can’t stop the jealousy.
It’s similar to nicotine addiction. You know that smoking cigarettes can lead to respiratory problems and even lung disease. You already notice the coughing fit first thing in the morning, and that you can’t take deep breaths like you used to, but you aren’t able to stop.
There’s something that keeps you hooked and that's the big obstacle.
Obviously, a habit like jealousy is not the same as a nicotine addiction, but people feel helpless to quit both — even if they know it would be better and healthier if they did.
The trick to taking back control of your life and to getting out from under the lousy way that jealousy makes you feel is to interrupt your usual pattern.
When you’re in those triggering situations, the more you redirect your energy and attention away from what you usually do (that inflames jealousy) and toward what truly helps — the quicker you’ll overcome jealousy and start creating the kind of relationship you want.
Here are 5 questions to ask yourself when you feel jealous so you can keep your emotions from controlling your life:
1. "Where am I now?"
No joke with this one. The very first question you should ask yourself when you feel anxious and suspicious, is "Where am I?" So many people jump around in your mind to the past, the future, different relationships, similar (but different) situations, and anywhere else ... except for the present moment.
An important step to clarity is to return to the here and now and respond from that place, to be certain you're not just envisioning a traumatic situation from the past, or worrying about a possible one from the future.
2. "What will help me see clearly?"
Relationships can be confusing, and jealousy muddies the view even more! The thing that helps you see more clearly might be very simple.
It could be drinking a cool glass of water or eating an apple. It could be taking a brisk walk outside (to literally clear your head). It could be an intentional pause of five inhalations and exhalations of your breath before you say or do anything.
Take a moment to go inside yourself to find out what you truly need and then do it.
3. "What do I know?"
From a calmer and clearer place, you can more easily know what you know. Review the facts you have about the stressful situation. For the moment, set aside your theories and guesses and focus on observable and verifiable facts only.
4. "What do I need to know?"
Think about the gaps in the facts you have. Some of those gaps may not be as important as you once thought, but others are probably worth following up on.
Find one or two questions that, when answered, will help you understand what’s going on.
5. "What’s my next best step?"
On the other side of jealousy is a conscious response to whatever the situation is that will be in your best interests. Your next best step may be an agreement with your partner about an ex or a particular behavior.
It may be a healthy boundary about what’s OK and what’s not. It may involve you considering whether or not it’s wise to stay in the relationship or to leave it.
Whatever that next best step is, you’re going to easily see it and follow it through when you do so without jealousy leading the way. It’s a process to free yourself from jealousy so that you can enjoy the close and connected relationship you want, but it is possible.
Susie and Otto Collins are certified transformative relationship coaches who have helped people stop jealousy and insecurity for almost 20 years. Get their free ebook about what you need to know to overcome jealousy.