It's as if something takes over.
When jealousy gets triggered, it can quickly build and seem to take control of you. It can even feel like you weren't the one saying or doing what you did.
The spying, relentless questioning, accusations and more can all come from jealousy. And it can all be unwarranted. Maybe your spouse has proven to you over and over again that you actually CAN trust him or her. Maybe you've tried to convince yourself of this too...but you always seem to forget.
Jealousy comes in and you and your partner have the same tension, arguments and distance that you had in the past.
The question that might be looming in your mind is.... “Will my jealousy drive my spouse away?”
If you're worried that your jealousy habit is pushing your partner toward divorce, look for these signs...
* Communication breakdown: You two may always seem to be arguing or a cold silence dominates. Communicating about even "little" things feels impossible.
* Apathy/giving up: Giving up isn't always a bad thing, but no longer caring about improving your relationship or dealing with challenges like jealousy is a serious warning sign.
* Turning to others: This might not be an affair (or it might) but a definite reliance on others for comfort, companionship and enjoyment is something to pay attention to.
* Spending less and less time together: Everyone seems to be overly busy these days, but when either or both of you intentionally find ways to NOT be together, this is another warning sign.
We can't know what your spouse is planning to do. Every person and every situation is different. However, if you recognize any of these signs in your relationship, it's time to make some changes. Your marriage could be in danger and now is the moment to take steps to turn things around.
Get to the root of your jealous habit.
It's absolutely essential for you to be responsible for your jealousy habit. One way to do this is to better understand why it's there. This is not about finding some experience or someone else to blame. This is your opportunity to discover what is at the root of your jealousy.
It may be your insecurity. It could be the emotional wounds you still carry around because your past partner lied and cheated. It could be a combination of many things.
Take the time to go within yourself and figure out what you are thinking and what beliefs you have that fuel and feed your jealousy habit. The more you can do this without putting yourself down or criticizing, the more useful this will be.
In order to make effective changes and stop letting jealousy take over, you've got to know where it's coming from.
This understanding can help you know where you might need to heal and let go of the past, boost self esteem, shift your focus or possibly set some boundaries with your spouse.
Practice new ways to deal with triggers.
You've probably noticed that we talk about jealousy as a habit. This is because it's something you've done with enough regularity that it has become part of your usual reaction to certain situations or even to particular people.
Jealousy requires practice (and patience) to change. Know that it CAN be changed.
Notice the signs of jealousy as early as you can. For you it might be tightness in your stomach or shoulders or feelings of fear or anger. Now, the next time you are aware of these indicators, you can pause and check in with yourself.
Don't ignore or deny how you are feeling. That will only allow your jealousy to grow.
Notice what kinds of situations trigger your jealousy. This will help you be especially aware of those jealousy indicators. You can also create agreements with your partner that will help give you the support you need to be different in these jealousy-inducing situations.
If, for example, you tend to feel insecure and jealous while at the pool or the beach with your mate because of all of the good-looking people in bikinis, know this. Be especially aware of your thoughts during a triggering situation and don't “run off” with thoughts that make your jealousy bigger.
Ask your partner to stay connected with you. This could be something as simple as your spouse making eye contact with you or holding your hand periodically.
Be willing to ask your spouse to be a source of support as you practice new habits instead of jealousy. At the same time, don't expect your partner to “solve” your jealousy problem for you. Show him or her that you are stepping up and making significant changes.
This combined effort can bring you two closer together again.
Get Susie and Otto Collins' free ebook 7 Jealousy-Stopping Secrets here: http://www.nomorejealousy.com Susie and Otto are relationship coaches and authors who specialize in helping couples create a close, connected and passionate relationship.