What To Say To Your Cheating Spouse

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What To Say To Your Cheating Spouse
Should you scream and shout about your partner's affair?

So here you are.

It’s a place you never ever thought you’d be. You used to believe that infidelity was something that only happened in other people’s relationships, not yours.

That was until your spouse started acting weird and you began to notice things, little clues that became increasingly worrisome. When you finally discovered that your partner was having an affair, you couldn’t wrap your mind around what you were hearing.

But it’s true. Your spouse cheated and now you two stand at a major crossroads. From here, the path forward may be to stay and put your marriage back together again or to separate and start again on your own.

The decision of whether to stay in or leave your relationship is possibly one of the biggest you’ll make in your entire life so take the time to be as clear as you can when you do. Don’t let fear or anger take the lead.

For many couples, the best solution in a situation like this is to stay together for a trial period. They agree to work on their relationship for 1 month, 6 months or more or less time and then to re-assess things. After that trial period, they’ll make a more permanent decision.

It’s always your choice to end the marriage immediately, to commit to stay or to wait and see during a trial period.  Every relationship and every person is different. We encourage you to make the decision that’s the wisest for you.

If you do decide to stay (whether it’s for a trial period or longer), it’s critical that you and your partner make some serious changes. You’ve got to rebuild trust and address the reasons why your partner cheated in the first place. Some of those reasons will tie in with your habits even though it was your spouse who cheated.

The way you two communicate during this time will make or break your efforts to repair your relationship.

Shout it out?
There are so many things on your mind that you might feel compelled to say to your spouse. So many raw feelings fill you up and need to express. It’s tempting to let your partner have it and scream and yell at him or her.

You’re hurting and you want your partner to know how much!

We recommend that you DO express your emotions because, it’s true, being cheated on is painful and upsetting. We don’t necessarily advise you to shout and spew about it to your partner.

Here’s why...

Anger is understandable and natural and needs to be let out, but it can also be damaging if handled inappropriately. Screaming at your partner will only escalate an already intense and volatile situation. When you shout it out, your partner may become defensive and hostile to you.

The two of you could end up feeling even more hurt and disconnected than before.

Yes, do express your feelings. Work with a coach or counselor. Write about how you feel in a journal or letter to your partner (that you don’t send). Make time to be alone and jump up and down, yell around, hit pillows, cry and rage all you need to. Keep Reading...

More infidelity advice from YourTango

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Susie & Otto Collins

Author

Susie and Otto Collins are relationship coaches and authors who help couples communicate, connect and create the passionate relationships they desire.



 

Location: Columbus, OH
Credentials: BS, CCC
Specialties: Communication Problems, Couples/Marital Issues
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