If you walked into the room completely naked, your partner STILL wouldn't pay attention to you!
This is how it feels for many people.
It can seem like everything and everyone else are far more interesting and important to your partner than you are.
the game on tv
texts from friends
Your partner might have a demanding job, hefty responsibilities and also a challenge staying focused. This can leave you feeling last on his or her priority list. It can also lead you to act needy.
When you're needy, you call or text your partner frequently, especially if you don't get an instant reply. You are hyper-aware of any mood changes in your partner and take it personally if he or she is grumpy and irritable. You might often ask questions like, “Is everything okay?” and “Do you love me?”
You probably also get on your partner's nerves!
Being needy can come out in different ways, but the effects are the same...
Your partner shuts down or ignores you even more than before. You end up feeling more alone and unimportant.
Recognize it when you're feeling and acting needy in your relationship. Stop the needy-spiral that takes you further and further away from creating the kind of relationship you desire.
Try these 4 attention-getters that WILL get your partner to notice...
#1: Know what you want and need.
Identify what it is that you want in a relationship. Go general and think about the qualities you'd like to experience or experience more often with your love. Acknowledge it if there are some of these qualities already alive in your relationship-- this is a place to build from.
It's also important to distinguish wants from what you need. Your needs are those non-negotiables that you won't compromise on. These are the things that might cause you to re-assess whether or not you'll stay or leave the relationship. Things like monogamy, honesty and respect might be on your list of non-negotiable needs.
Remember, some people's needs look like other people's wants. The point here is to get clear about what the difference is for you.
#2: Fulfill yourself.
When you feel needy, chances are there is something “off” or empty that you want taken care of. It's painful to be in this place and it's understandable that you look to your partner to make things better.
This is a lot of pressure to put on him or her!
When you feel unfulfilled, it's not only unfair to expect your partner to fix it for you, it's also impossible. The most loving and attentive person in the world cannot make another person feel loved, special and fulfilled...if that person doesn't already feel that way.
Start taking back responsibility for your well being and for how you feel. If you are dissatisfied or feel like your life (or self) is lacking in some way, look first to you for the improvement.
Think about any habits, behaviors or activities that you've experienced in the past that HAVE given you a sense of fulfillment and love. If can't think of any, brainstorm a list and start experimenting.
You're probably not going to feel instantly great, but be on the lookout for when you feel a little bit better.
#3: Say what you DO want.
It's undeniable that your partner's actions DO have a strong effect on your experience. It's possible that you are doing what you can to fulfill your own needs and you still feel ignored and unimportant.
Maybe it's the constant texting with friends or incessant social networking online, but your partner seems to spend more time focused on other people and things and not on you. This hurts even if it isn't a conscious rejection.
Talk with your partner about these specific habits. Choose your words carefully. If you accuse him or her of not caring about you or any other guess at motives or emotion, this isn't going to help.
Defensiveness, hostility and further distance aren't the kind of attention you probably want.
Instead, talk about what you DO want. Give credit for what's already happening in your relationship that you DO appreciate. Make requests like, “Can we cuddle together on the couch in an hour?” or “Would you join me for a (phones off) walk this evening?”
#4: Be your own unique, attractive self.
In each moment, continue to tap into and really value what makes you uniquely you. The more authentically you live, the more attractive and interesting you'll be. You'll also be happier too!
Be aware of your partner and what's going on with him or her but, make your central focus you. Support yourself in being confident and true to you.
We promise, this will make neediness a thing of the past!
Susie and Otto Collins are relationship coaches and authors who help couples communicate, connect and create the relationship they desire. Click here to get their free ebook, Passionate Heart-Lasting Love.