Women: Being Unavailable Versus Playing A Game

When I am working with women moving on from a relationship and getting ready to date again, I encourage them to be a little less available than they had been in their last relationship. Inevitably, they say to me, "I don't want to play games. I want to be who I am."

My question to them is: well, why is it that “who you are” is someone always ready to drop things and run when a man wants your attention? Why do you think that anyone would find that attractive? You may think that a man is going to think that you're a supportive, caring person but, trust me, that is not the way you are coming off.

But the way you are coming off to him is neither here nor there. It doesn’t matter what it looks like, it matters what it is like. And what it needs to be like is that your own life is good for you, for your man and for your relationship.

Having your life and your own interests makes you an attractive person. This is true when you're dating or when you're married 10 years. When people are dating they try to put their best foot forward, but you do not want to advertise a person with a great life who isn't ever going to be a burden or a weepy "you never pay attention to me" girlfriend and then give it all once he's yours. That's not fair to your man, the relationship or to you. You are not the person he fell in love with. You gave up your life for him and that isn't what he wanted. Even if he seems to WANT you around all the time, the bottom line is that he really doesn't.  And that's not a bad thing. 

If it doesn't work out, so many women are wondering what happened to her life. "I gave up my friends, my family, my classes, my hobbies to nest with Mr. Wonderful. Now Mr. Wonderful is gone and my nest is empty and so is my life." Yes, women want to nest, but your man can fly the coop. Especially if the coop is boring and engulfing.

Biologically and historically women are the nesters and men are the hunters/gatherers. But women in 2012 should be spending time outside the nest and not acting like Ms. Cave Lady waiting for Grog to bring home the bronto burgers.

The most important piece of information that women are completely unaware of is that,  in general, men and women are comfortable at very different places on the “bonding spectrum.” The bonding spectrum is where a person feels most comfortable in proximity to another in an intimate relationship. While some of this is individual and there are exceptions to the rule, there are generalities that exist and are worth knowing.

Think of the “bonding spectrum” as line that goes from zero to one hundred, with 0 being complete separation and 100 being complete attachment.   It’s not a secret that women feel comfortable at the higher end of the spectrum. They like being close and they like cocooning and nesting. It’s somewhat biological. Some women are insecure wrecks and want to be with and know where their man is all the time.  But, a healthy woman does not like complete attachment and are most comfortable in the 70-80 percent range.

Men, on the other hand, feel comfortable right in the middle. They fear engulfment when made to go any higher than 50 percent, and they fear abandonment any lower. Again, this is somewhat innate.

Twenty first century women don’t really want to hear this and ask, "If it’s so innate, what is the answer? Will men and women be in complete conflict forever over where on the bonding spectrum they should meet? Does all this talk about biology mean that men will forever be commitmentphobic and women will forever feel abandoned?"

No. There are plenty of couples who know that to be happy people they need to have whole identities separate and apart from the relationship. A happy and whole woman has things to do that involves her and only her outside the family unit.

But for those who don’t know to do that, it’s important to understand that when a man is secure that he will not be engulfed if he goes higher than 50 percent, he will not only go higher than 50 percent, but he will look forward to it. But when you have your man there at the higher end of the bonding spectrum, it has to be for a finite period of time. It also helps matters if the woman breaks the bond and goes back to separation than if he feels as if he's running away or needs to pull himself away in the face of tears and recriminations.

When his visit to the higher end of the spectrum turns ugly he's going to be less inclined, next time, to visit you at 80 percent and hang around the nest. When he is feeling less inclined, you will do the one wrong thing you can do: chase him. You will feel abandoned, unloved and try to drag him up to 80 with tears and recriminations.  But instead of just running back to 50, he is now he is running toward 30 and eventually to 0, trying to get away from this engulfing crazy person. And you'll either breakup or be doing this dance forever.

The next question women ask is, “Well, why can't men work more on attachment? Why are you telling women to recognize this?”

Because there's really no payoff for men to be more attached. Even if you get them to sit around the nest,nesting to him is not the same as nesting to you. To them it means channel surfing, not snuggling with you.  They're going to play video games and watch football.  Staying home together might mean intimacy to you, but to him it probably means playing Madden 2012.

So then what is the payoff for women to hang back at the middle or lower end of the bonding spectrum? Well, there are many.

First, when you’re dating, you learn to hang back.  When you're not rushing to be close to someone you barely know, you get to watch him to figure out who he is and what he is all about. If you’re chasing him or hyperventilating because he has called or texted in the past 15 minutes, you’re focused on his attachment and attraction to you, not whether or not you want to be attached to or are attracted to him.

Second, when you are not always trying to drag your guy to be closer, he won't rebel against it. He won’t be doing it begrudgingly. He will want to be intimate and your bonding time will be richer, nicer and better.   He will enjoy the times and, after a while, it won't be a struggle.  You will fall into a natural rhythm that works for both of you.

Now a caveat to this discussion is that we are talking about cultivating relationships with healthy men who want to be in relationships. We are not talking about men who purposely keep a woman (or several women) at arm’s length.  These are cheaters and liars and you should not allow him to dictate your availability.  Don’t get sucked into "call me" or "we'll go out..." Do not let him call the communication shots. Don't let him convince you that he needs to be free when "free" means out with other women. 

Some experts think that if you play "hard to get," it feeds right into the type of relationship a commitmentphobe or avoidant type prefers.  No.  The idea is not to let him come and go as he pleases, but to see how much he pleases to come and go.  If a guy is disappearing way too often and not treating you well, it's time to end it.  Get a grip early on, otherwise you'll be on the crappy end of a carrot on a stick.  You have to be in charge of your availability, not always waiting around for a player or commitmentphobe to grace you with his presence.  Not chasing him gives you the opportunity to weed out those who can't be bothered to show up except when he wants to.

Third, whole people have happy, healthy and whole relationships. Having separate interests, friends and time apart is healthy. So if you both separate, do your thing and have your own interests and friends, you are healthy and whole people. When you come back together it will be wonderful.

This should start when you’re dating and continue until you’re married 50 years. If there is jealousy, possessiveness, attempts to separate you from that which you love, it will not work. Women must have their own interests, nurture their friendships, take time away from their guy and the relationship. They may not be always happy about it, but they’ll learn to get okay with it. If they’re not okay with it, then they’re not okay with you.

Do not always be available when you are dating. Do not answer every call. Do not get into the habit of constant texting or email. Do not accept every invitation. Do not act as if this guy is the be all end all. Pull back a bit, physically, mentally and emotionally. When you do bond and things are good, leave sooner than you would like. You don’t want a guy watching the clock waiting for when you’re going to leave. Be upbeat about leaving and think of it in a positive way. It's important to not leave too early and not leave too late. It's important to leave them wanting more but not feeling abandoned. It’s a balance that takes work to achieve but you can achieve it.

Remember, he does not want to feel abandoned or insignificant. So you can't just disappear completely for a long period of time, but don't be always available either. It takes practice but you begin to know what makes a guy feel at 50 percent. It's a matter of figuring out how not to dip below 50 and what will get him to 80 without demand and control on your part.

When you leave first, you don’t feel abandoned or needy. You don’t show your insecure or whiny side. This is when guys disappear and women panic.

Finally, there is a very important reason to step back. It gives you the opportunity to gauge a guy's reaction to you having your own life.  If a guy doesn't want you to leave and shows signs of controlling or being a big baby, you want to know that. If a guy has objections about you retaining your friends and your interests, you want to know that. If a guy wants you to be a no-life nobody who is only interested in you being available to him, you want to know that. If a guy runs off to do inappropriate things when you're not together, you want to know that. If there are red flags, you want to know that. If you pull away or are unavailable and he never tries to pull you closer, you want to know that.   If he demands you answer every text or acts suspicious when you don't, you want to know that.

You want to step back and give him the chance to show you what you mean to him. How does he respond if you're not there? Does he turn into a demanding, control freak or does he not care? Again, you want someone who is willing to give you the space but then says, "I miss you." and asks, in a healthy way, for some "us" time. 

The payoff to being unavailable sometimes and being in control of your time is huge. The payoff is actually much bigger for women than for men. Although it seems like capitulating to the way men naturally like things, it isn't. For women it results in a better life, more interested and interesting men, healthier men, and the ability to pull back and see your own life as well as your budding relationship.

This is not about playing a game. It's about understanding the innate and biological differences between men and women and capitalizing on that instead of being a victim complaining about men who won't commit or suckered into relationships who want to lavish you with love and attention in the beginning and then take off once you are suckered in. If you take your time and sit back, tend to your own life while allowing him to reveal himself to you, that won’t happen.

Once you’re in a relationship, don’t stop taking care of yourself. The payoffs will continue. Taking care of yourself will never be the wrong thing to do.