We all have to have "THE TALK" sometime, what are you going to say?
One of the things that my wife and I have talked about, fretted about, and discussed at length is, what are we going to tell our son about sex? Our son just turned five, and it won’t be too long until he will be getting notes from little girls (or sending them himself) with "Do you like me? Check Yes, No, or Maybe (that middle box)" scrawled across the page.
How are we supposed to guide him on this journey of love, sex and marriage? Through our discussions. We have figured out a few things we think he should know for his journey.
1. Sex is more than just physical — it's mental and emotional, too.
With multiple girlfriends and boyfriends, and a previous marriage in our background, we’ll need to be honest. Maybe we won’t go into all the gory details, but we have to explain why we are the way we are.
We’ll try to explain what happens when you give away your heart and body to multiple people before marriage. We experienced that as we kept giving ourselves away — physically, mentally, and emotionally — we found that we had less of ourselves to give. I’m not talking about just sex (because our bodies seemed to be doing just fine with sex).
What I am talking about is the emotional, mental and spiritual side. Most people like to think that sex is something separate from the rest of our whole person — that we have to have it to survive (thanks to our culture for that message). But, sex is about the whole person.
My wife and I had given pieces of our emotions and our thoughts to others, along with our bodies. When it came time to be married, we came into the marriage with lots of memories of failed "romances" and hurts that didn’t have to be there. But we brought it upon ourselves by passing out our love to whomever would give us affection in return.
2. There's a HUGE difference between lust and love.
Lust always wants more and more. It’s never satisfied. It has a jealous nature, and keeps pushing the line of "What can I get for myself?" Love is the opposite of lust.
Love is giving and not controlling. Lust says, "Hey I went this far last time, so next time I’m going to go farther." Love says, "Let’s wait on the physical stuff until we actually figure out if we like each other enough to stay in this relationship and are willing to make a commitment to stay it in for the long haul."
3. Sex isn't just about pleasure.
We thought love was all about feelings and sexual fulfillment. But we soon learned, Big "L" love is a choice. It’s a commitment and one that is bigger than two people. Being a Christian family we’ll need to bring God into the equation. We believe He’s the one who offers the best Big "L" love.
What God says is that we are to love, and keep loving, because He is love. Not just warm squishy romantic feelings. Not just "hey-they’re-hot-I'm-going-to-jump-in-the-sack-with-them" feelings. No, His kind of Big "L" love keeps on going like the Energizer Bunny, but in a better way than batteries. And jumping from relationship to relationship isn't that kind of love.
4. The best sex you can have is with someone you love.
The best way for me to show my son the real, Big "L", kind of love that God has for us, is to keep loving my wife all the time. When it's hard. When it hurts. When I am bored, or hurt, or messed up (nearly all the time).
And the best way she can model that love to him is to keep loving me when she is all those things too. Because kids learn by watching. Then they mimic what they see. My son seeing a mom and dad together learning how to continually love one another every day may be the best way to teach him what Big "L" love just might be.
Honestly, the thought of having this conversation with him freaks me out. I don't have it all figured out. But I know we will have the conversation, the best we can, because we love him.