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"Surrender" and "submission" are two very different things.
By Stacey Martino — Written on Jul 13, 2019
Last weekend, I savored a magnificent date night out with my husband, Paul. He took me out for a truly hot, deliciously romantic and exciting date, and it was all at the last minute.
We spent Saturday enjoying family fun time. By 5 PM, we'd already put in a pretty full day and had no plans yet for the evening, except we had a sitter coming at 6 PM. We had no reservations and hadn’t even thought about going out.
When Paul asked me what I wanted to do for the night, I said, “I’d love to do something where I’m not a mom for a few hours.” (For any couples who want to make time for themselves, this is excellent relationship advice.)
My brilliant hubby told me to go change out of my family clothes and get ready to go out. We scored a last-minute reservation at one of our favorite restaurants, and ate and talked for hours.
From releasing my expectations and surrendering to his planning of the date, to delighting in him driving our big honkin’ Sequoia through the city streets, surrendering to his navigation as he takes my hand and leads me to our table, to everything that followed.
There’s nothing more delicious to me than surrendering to that man. But "surrendering," believe it or not, is not a bad word.
The energy around surrendering is my ability to release “driving” and “directing” in the moment and trust and enjoy Paul’s decision-making, navigation, and leadership for me. That is a key point: his leadership is always for me, meaning, he acts in my best interest.
What is the difference between surrender and submission? It can sometimes look the same on the outside, but it feels completely different for the people involved. Energetically and emotionally, when I surrender to Paul, I’m delighting in something that he's providing for me. It’s a gift and I enjoy every second of it. I want it. I love it.
It’s delightful not to have to make decisions. It’s a “vacation” for me not to have to plan everything. I felt pampered as he navigates me wherever I need to go. Nothing relaxes me more than being led by my magnificent man.
For me, the opportunity to release my own masculine skills and tools — like driving, pushing, deciding, directing, protecting and everything else (which I use throughout my day as a mom and business owner) — is a tremendous relief, freeing me to replenish and rejuvenate my feminine side.
When I surrender to Paul, his decision-making and leadership is a gift he gives to me. It’s not him leading me around, forcing me to do what he wants. It’s him understanding what delights me, knowing how to make me happy, creating that for me, and then leading me through that amazing experience.
Yes, it would be totally selfless of Paul to do that, except that his greatest joy in life is to make me happy and win with me (as it is for all men). He receives the love, affection, and sparkle from me that he craves when he helps me restore my feminine energy first.
How does this differ from submission? Energetically and emotionally, being submissive is not something that a woman (or anyone) wants. In a submissive situation, the man (or leader) forces his decisions, navigation, and leadership on others to serve his own best interest, despite it being against the best interest of the woman (or other person).
The act of submitting to someone else is literally the act of submitting to what they want you to do, when you do not want to do it. Both parties do not enter into it willingly or excitedly. And that's a problem.
The difference, energetically and emotionally, between surrender and submission is huge. The act of surrendering to your man is an exercise in opening up your feminine energy. If you are currently stuck more in your masculine energy, this idea of surrender might feel off-putting or terrifying to you.
That's okay. Many years ago, when I was deeply rooted in my masculine energy, I felt the same way. If that’s the case for you now, that's a great indicator that you are living more in your masculine self and this type of surrendering release is exactly what your spirit needs.
In reality, many women feel stuck in their masculine energy currently and deeply desire help returning to their feminine core energy, opening to their man, creating the spark of passion they want, and ultimately experiencing this kind of surrender.
Most women understand they want this, but they just don’t know how to get it. So, here’s an exercise for you.
Take baby steps. Choose to surrender your control for a short window of time or small experience. Perhaps for just 10 minutes, choose to surrender to your man and not control what comes next.
For instance, start by choosing to surrender to your man’s navigation as you take a walk around the block. Something small. And choose something where your man has a natural leadership ability already, like driving, going for a walk, or directing a project.
Although, do know that if you're stuck more in your masculine energy, odds are your man (like many men) has naturally taken a back seat to your driving, navigation, decision-making, and leadership so as not to rock the boat, agitate you, or disappoint you.
Take baby steps and give him some space to step back in. This is probably going feel very new for him, too, although it will most likely be a very welcome shift.
Women oftem blame their man, saying that he’s not decisive, he doesn’t lead, he’s not acting in her best interest, and that’s why she’s stuck. And perhaps that's the truth. But it's important to understand why.
That was the case for me years ago with Paul. But then I took an honest look at myself and recognized two things:
- If I’m being the “man,” he can't be the man.
- I was so controlling, wanting everything a certain way that I grew easily disappointed in him when he did not do things my way.
I denied him any opportunity to truly lead because I wasn’t letting him win with me, I wasn’t releasing control or making it easy for him to make me happy. When I got clear on how I contributed to that dynamic, I shifted that within myself (instead of waiting for him to change). And I noticed every time I shifted, he happily shifted, too!
And now, I'm so overwhelmed with gratitude that Paul is who he is today. His strong masculine presence, his absolute dedication to serving me, and his fierce passion for clearing a path for me and delighting me. I'm lucky we both created this balance years ago and now we enjoy every little moment of it, every day of our lives.
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Stacey Martino helps people with the challenges that intimate relationship brings. Through targeted, strategic private coaching, programs and events, individuals learn to use her proven strategies and tools to create an unshakable love.