Eventually, all of my clients and E-Course participants ask me the same question: I'm with such a great guy (or girl), so why am I so scared? It's an understandable question, especially at the threshold of marriage, when fear is the last thing we believe we're supposed to feel. The accompanying thought is often: If I was with the right person, I wouldn't feel this way ... another understandable conclusion since nothing really prepares couples for the normal fears that arise during an engagement.
Why would someone feel terrified to marry someone with whom they have a terrific relationship? Why would a loving, solid partnership trigger such deep-seated feelings of anxiety, rendering my clients unable to eat, sleep, or function? The first reason is that it's because the relationship is so safe that the anxiety is triggered. Here's an example from someone who didn't attribute the anxiety to her partnership. Relationship Anxiety: Fear Eyes Or Clear Eyes?
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One of my dearest friends met her life partner in her late twenties. After a whirlwind love affair, they got married, and a few months later, she developed severe anxiety symptoms for the first time in her life. Her ears started itching and she heard a ringing that wouldn't go away. Then, she felt like there was copper in her mouth and her anxious mind went into overdrive: I'm dying. I have cancer. I'm going crazy. — all common thoughts that accompany an anxiety disorder.
We had fallen out of close touch, but she knew that I had struggled with serious anxiety during my twenties, so she called me for support. We spoke every day, and within a few weeks she was able to identify that the safety and stability of her marriage is what allowed the anxiety to surface. In other words, the anxiety had been living inside of her since she was a child, but she had always kept it at bay. She was a typical good girl — good grades, a good job, never stayed outside the expected lines. Her psyche lived inside a steel-clad box of expectations and busyness. How To Avoid Affairs In The First Year Of Marriage
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A bit about her childhood: she was raised by two young, drug-addicted parents who were both narcissistic and emotionally unreliable. As a result, my friend learned at a young age how to take care of herself as best she could. In short, her parents didn't attend to her in the way she needed to be parented; her father failed miserably as a dad and her mother neglected to nurture.
Now, within the security of her husband's support, she finally felt safe enough to fall apart. For the first time in her life, she had someone who could keep watch as she delved into darkness. She knew that no matter how crazy she felt, her husband loved her and he wasn't going anywhere. That's when the nearly thirty years of terror came rushing to the surface. Have A Worldly Wedding [VIDEO]