Do your relationships seem to fizzle after a few weeks or months? Here's why ...
"It's so frustrating, Roy. I meet someone really special, the chemistry is off the charts and we start seeing each other all the time. It's fantastic. I'm thinking they could be 'the one.' But then after a couple of months, things begin to cool down. They start pulling away and the relationship inexplicably fizzles. I just don't get it. Why do my relationships start out well and then fall apart?”
I hear stories like this all the time in my relationship coaching practice. While there may be many possible reasons why a relationship goes from hot to cold in a matter of weeks or months, oftentimes it's because the new couple doesn't know how to let a relationship "breathe."
Physical breathing has two components: inhaling and exhaling. While we can go a short period of time doing one and not the other, if life is going to be sustained, there has to be a natural rhythm for both.
It's the same way in a relationship. It, too, must breathe if it's going to stay alive. There must be the "inhale" — coming together and being close, followed by the "exhale" — going away and separating.
There has to be a regular ebb and flow of being intimate (inhaling) and being independent (exhaling) if a relationship is going to be healthy and sustainable over time.
Once we understand this dynamic, it's easy to understand why new relationships often fizzle out and fall apart in the first few months — it's all about the inhale!
'I Want To Go Out With My Friends Tonight'
During the romance phase, which usually lasts no more than six months, the new couple is normally inseparable. The chemistry is thick, and they're so excited to have found each other that they spend just about every free minute together.
In terms of breathing, it's one inhale after another. This cannot be sustained for long.
In a matter of weeks or months, both people will begin to sense the need to exhale, to go away from each other for a time.
However, the person who carries the masculine energy in the relationship is usually the one to speak about this first. Since the masculine energy fears constraint and the feminine energy fears isolation, it's usually the masculine partner that initiates the shift from inhale to exhale.
Regardless of who speaks up first, when a relationship needs to exhale, someone says, "I want to hang out with my friends tonight" or "I just need a little space. I'm going to stay home and relax," or "I'm busy tonight. There are some things I need to get done."
This is a critical moment. If you both don’t understand what's happening, that the relationship just needs to exhale, both people may misinterpret these new feelings and think something's wrong with the relationship.
For example, the person initiating the exhale, feeling like they need space or that things are moving too fast, may misinterpret those feelings and end the relationship.
If the other person doesn't understand that the relationship is simply exhaling, they'll misinterpret their partner's actions and think they're pulling away.
'He Doesn't Text Me As Often As He Used To'
Perhaps you've said things like, "They don't text me every morning like they used to" or "we don't talk on the phone for hours anymore" or "we don't see each other every night like we used to" or "They don't sleep over as often anymore."
These are the things people say if they don't understand the inhale/exhale aspect of an intimate relationship.
And that can have disastrous results. That person might become clingy, obsessive or desperate — and that WILL make the other person pull away.
But in all likelihood, no one's feelings have changed and no one is pulling away. In most cases, it's only that the intense inhaling of the romance phase is shifting and the relationship simply needs to exhale and settle into a natural rhythm of coming together and separating.
So, what do you do when this shift begins to happen in a new relationship?
Well, you need to talk about it with your new partner. The dynamic of how a relationship needs to breathe needs to be discussed so that the relationship can naturally shift to a more sustainable flow and not fall apart.
By understanding the breathing dynamic and communicating about it, you can navigate this scary moment and see your relationship shift into a deeper, lasting ebb and flow of intimacy and independence.
Unfortunately, very few people are properly equipped to handle this and other important stages that relationships go through.
It's my hope that you will reach out to me for support and coaching, so that you can successfully navigate them all and experience the love life you most desire.
Roy Biancalana is a certified relationship coach and author of Amazon.com's #1 Best Selling book, Attracting Lasting Love: Breaking Free of the 7 Barriers that Keep You Single. He works with single people in the art of attraction, dating and creating conscious relationships. For more information, visit his website, www.coachingwithroy.com.