There is a reason you always think he's texting his ex ... even when he's not.
Resolving trust issues starts with learning to truly trust yourself before you can trust someone else.
Once upon a time, some early human screwed up and gave some other early human a reason to distrust. And from that seed blossomed "trust issues." Around the globe, in bedrooms, boardrooms, and even on playgrounds, we've become a society built on trust issues.
To trust someone, without having trust issues, is to trust ourselves enough to reveal our authentic selves fully.
GASP! You mean it requires being totally transparent, saying what's on my mind, asking for what I desire ... and THAT will eliminate trust issues in my relationship? Um, yeah! It all starts with you, baby, quickly followed by how you choose to respond to those little annoying possibilities that your partner throws at you—consciously or unconsciously—that triggers your belief that they can (or can't) be trusted.
See, it's all about you and your trust issues, in the same manner as it's all about your partner and their trust issues. That being said ... how do you resolve trust issues when they arise?
I'd love to say, take a cue from my side of the fence (a.k.a. gay men) but, unfortunately, we don't handle trust issues any better than the rest of the human population. (Surprise, surprise!)
But in our defense, and defense of gays and lesbians everywhere, we've been conditioned not to trust. From the first moment we swished our hips a little too much when we walked or got caught playing with GI Joe in the mud while still wearing our Mary Janes and Sunday dress, we've learned to keep our defenses up and not trust anyone who might find out our "secret."
But, we all have trust issues, and if you say you don't then I don't trust you!
So, here are five tips that will help you trust more easily and openly in your life:
1. Trust Yourself
I know it's already been said, but this is truly the starting point of resolving trust issues. In the somewhat similar words of Ru Paul, "If you can't trust yourself, how the hell ya ever going to trust someone else?" (Uh hum! Preach, sistah!)
2. Define What Trust Means
... for you and your partner. Hello, we ain't mind readers, and if you believe you are, then why are you having trust issues? You'd already know what your partner is thinking.
For the rest of us, ask (as in: your partner ... for the info you need) and ye shall receive. Talk about trust. Discuss it! Discover what might make trust issues arise in your unique relationship.
3. Take A Look In The Mirror
I hate to say it, but often, trust issues arise because what you see in someone else is an issue directly reflecting something you don't want to see in yourself.
It could be that you're fearful your partner is cheating because you're the considering an affair (or might already be involved physically or emotionally with someone else). You may not even realize it's causing wicked scripts of "Cheater is as cheater does," to play out in the fabulous stage play that is your real life.
Look at yourself, and ask, “What’s really going on with my trust issues?” The honest answer may shock you, but it could also stop you from being a crazy maker.
4. Have An Open Relationship
GASP. Did I just advocate having an open relationship? YES!
As in an "open, transparent, let's communicate, and quit hiding that we each have trust issues, admit our stuff" relationship.
No, this doesn't mean you take on different lovers (although if that makes the trust issues scamper away, more power to you). But what I'm really advocating for is being open and vulnerable so that trust issues become dead non-issues, rather than a dead relationship!
5. Give Trust To Get Trust
If you put trust in, you'll get some back. One of the hardest parts about trust, and resolving trust issues, is giving trust freely. However, when it's a gift that keeps on giving, then it's easy to see trust issues retreat.
That said, the moment you take trust without giving it back in return, you've abused the vulnerable gesture the other person offered you. And, no one appreciates being abused!
Regardless of the circumstances, and irrespective of your sexual orientation, trust issues are an issue we ALL face.
Whether it starts with a little white lie or explodes from the bombshell of infidelity, trust is trust! Personally, once those little tongue twisters get resolved, I realize, because I trust myself, it's easier to address trust issues head-on in all my relationships.
Now that I've resolved my issues, I’m the perfect partner, the perfect father, the perfect ex-husband, and the perfect life coach. "Trust" me, it's true ... (NOT!)
However, I have discovered that it's now much easier to admit when I'm struggling with my trust issues, talk through them, and even remain open to hearing when others don't entirely trust me.
The lesson learned? Ultimately, trust issues kill the beauty of trusting that you can have a truly happy and love-filled life. Now get out there and start trusting again!
Ready for a shot of self-love, confidence, and I'm good enough? Set up an introductory coaching session with Rick today, and let's get your trust on!