A Gay Man's Perspective: Why I Won't Date A Married Man

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gay perspective: dating a married man
You'd be shocked to know how many married men are secretly rendezvousing with other married men.

Just a little over 12 years ago, I would have said, "I'm not gay, I just like having sex with men!"

Excuse me, that sounds pretty homosexual to me. Granted, if you're a male and having sex with other males, you could be bisexual, but whatever you are, you should just admit it. But I didn't do that 12 years ago. I was caught in a dysfunctional sexual limbo that made no sense. Of course, things have changed and I'm a happy homosexual now. I've also joined the ranks of the "happily divorced" and I'm no longer messing around with other married men, disengaging from the experience and pretending to be something I'm not. However, contrary to popular belief, there are more "married men looking for married men" out there.

Shocking as it may seem to some of you, this phenomena is not new. Of course, I have no cold hard facts to prove this statement, but I don't need them. All I need is a computer, an Internet connection and an hour of free time. There are numerous sites where "married men for married men" lurk. There are also online groups where these guys exchange their stories, get support for their dual lives and find the occasional hookup. And then there are online chat rooms, gay hook-up sites, and gay apps that are also used by men who are married and "just having sex with men," even though they're "not gay." After all, why not fish where you're most likely to hook one, especially when you can do it incognito!

To this, I say, "Bless them!" I support my brothers and sisters who still haven't come to terms with their sexuality for one reason only. Society's lack of education and understanding towards alternatives to heterosexuality has forced people, men and women, into hiding in mixed-orientation marriages. This leads to people not living their authentic lives, nasty divorces, children who question their own sexuality after a parent comes out and numerous other problems, not to mention unhappy endings (not the massage kind). Which leads me to wonder why, after I came out of the closet, I would never date a married man:

Screwing up someone else's marriage is not my responsibility. While I was married, it gave me a false sense of security to mess around with other married "straight" men. Now that I'm out, I realize how much work fooling around with a married man is and I refuse to be the scapegoat for his inability to get real with himself.

Married men who are pretending to be straight, but having sex with men, are talking out of both sides of their mouths (provided they don't have something else there). This double-talk taught me that a majority of these guys are just in it to get their rocks off in ways they aren't getting at home. That includes everything from oral sex to bondage, from clamps to anal sex. No harm, no foul. Every guy has his pleasure preferences. Just don't plan on walking down the aisle or living together when his philosophy is clearly just about sex. Keep reading...

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Rick Clemons

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Rick Clemons, The Gay Man's Life Coach & The Coming Out Coach

Rick is a straight-forward, compassionate, insightful, challenging, mentor, guide, and Certified Professional Coach who's been featured on The Ricki Lake Show, and is a highly sought after radio show personality, blogger, author, and faculty member of Sex Coach U. His loving, challenging, gentle, and inspiring approach ignites a fire in clients, helping them get through the darkest moments of life and come out the other side, kicking butt, and being authentically themselves.

Rick thrives, working with individuals, and those in their inner circle, as they embark on the journey out of the closet and beyond. He specializes in helping people build confidence, live their passion while loving their work, and live authentically. Authenticity isn't just a word he throws around lightly. It's the backbone of his practice and the manner in which he personnally strives to live each and every day of his own life.

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