The Truth About Apps for Gay Men


The Truth About Apps for Gay Men
Dating, mating, or just getting laid, hook up apps are a gay man’s best friend. Or are they?

I’m taking creative liberties right from the get-go of this article to say, "Boys, I love ya bunches because you’re my gay brothers." That being said, it’s also time to wake up and get a grip on your addiction to gay apps. Yes, I’m talking to you. You’ve got them all loaded on your smart phone — Scruff, Grindr, Jackd, Growlr — and probably others that have just come out in the last 24 hours. All offering some form of instantaneous gratification — friendship, networking, chat, hooking up, and of course the infamous, "Just checking things out!"

It truly doesn’t matter how you’re packaging up the reasons for having the app on your phone. No explanations needed for your motivation. Whatever makes you happy is my philosophy. Of course, that’s the crux of the matter too. Does the app truly make you happy? Obviously, we all define happiness in our own way, and for you, I don't think your happiness will be found in early onset arthritis due to overt sexting and texting. Quite honestly, app addiction is fast becoming a human condition eradicating the need for face time communication, human to human. It’s nice for once to see something not being blamed on the gays.


However, for gay males, these technological advances have opened up new doorways for committing to not commit. Right? We’re the masters of "I’ll get back to you" and "let’s play it by ear". Now, the app in hand has become a new form of masturbation, so to speak. You can stroke keys, and stroke keys, and stroke keys while experiencing the ultimate edging experience. In those last few moments of stimulating dialogue, it only takes a "Network Error, Please Try Again Later" excuse to free yourself from the possibility of having to let the guy on the other end of the chat down easily. It’s all taken care of because the situation was out of your control, even if it was perfectly in your control because you made up the entire network story.

Of course, now you have to make the choice to block him, ignore him, or create a whole new profile so as not to be found again by Mr. I Think You're Great. Your obvious thought is, "How can he think I’m great when he’s not even looking at my real picture?" Or you might let your own crazy making self-esteem start to make you second-guess yourself. "If he thinks I’m great then he must be a real loser and faking it until he makes it too." Either way, fiction is playing out to be better than truth.

However, if you’re truly serious about a relationship, you might want to examine the relationship you have with your favorite app. It’s very possible it is the jealous lover, confidence buster, and "not enough time" maker that’s keeping you stuck in a perpetual state of never finding a satisfying relationship. A good sign that you may be in trouble is if you find yourself sleeping with your smart phone and jolting awake in anticipation of each little notification vibration. If so, then it’s time for you to uncover the honest truth about you and your gay app!

App = Sex and nothing else.

Trust me — sex is great, love it, and can’t do without it. Yet, if you start finding your sexual conquests can only be achieved via App connections, something may be amiss with your ability to connect on a personal level without the phone in your hand. Plus, phone in one hand, and hand on something else doesn’t constitute a relationship.

Rejection doesn’t mean you’re not worth it

Just because you’re not getting any responses to your profile or chat backs when you say "hey" doesn’t mean you’re not good enough. It’s an App and it’s an App chat. Depending on who has their shirt off, or who’s crank you turn, will actually tell you if there’s any interest. Don’t take it personally. One piece of advice: How you do anything is how you do everything. Think about it, examine it, and see how similar your online activities mimic your other meeting guys activities offline. If your striking out offline and online, How you're doing anthing is how you're doing everything.

Confidence isn’t built upon "Woofs"

Be real, get honest, and stop waiting for the external validation to make you a whole gay man! Just because some guy does or doesn't "Woof" or "Star" you shouldn’t send you running to therapy for the next year. Get your mojo on by looking at yourself without any rainbow colored glasses and just be you. The more real you are, the more likeable you are. And, yes, that’s the honest truth.

Honest you is better than pretend you.

We’ve all had this experience — the 20-year-old picture of the guy who’s actually 40 something, broke, and not even close to being relationship oriented. Come on already. Here’s a wake-up call. If you’re actually 44, unemployed and between jobs, and wanting a Friend With Benefits, then say it and own it with all your heart. You might just be surprised at how good old fashioned honesty works to your advantage.

Addiction is addiction.

Whether it’s sex, drugs, tobacco, alcohol, or apps, everything can become an addiction sooner than later, unless you take precautionary measures. At the moment you cross the line and start finding the only way you can meet a guy is through your app, it’s time to take an app break and start to wean yourself off, one keystroke at a time. It’s not a break up, it’s a make-up with yourself so that you can get out of the app rut.

Apps serve a purpose — creating friendships, flirting, searching for Mr. Right, playing with Mr. Right Now, even business networking. Make them work for you in your way by being completely honest with yourself why you’re using them. The moment you try to make them the holy grail of gay matrimony when in reality you just wanted to hook-up, you might find yourself sorely disappointed and incapable of getting it up..."It" being your self-respect and dignity as a gay man who knows exactly what he wants from life!

Curious about life coaching? Want to get it a try? Let’s chat. You and me. No obligation. Schedule your Complimentary Session today.

Connect with Rick through his website - The Gay Man's Life Coach!

More dating coach advice on YourTango:

Article contributed by

Rick Clemons


Rick Clemons, The Gay Man's Life Coach & The Coming Out Coach

Rick is a straight-forward, compassionate, insightful, challenging, mentor, guide, and Certified Professional Coach who's been featured on The Ricki Lake Show, and is a highly sought after radio show personality, blogger, author, and faculty member of Sex Coach U. His loving, challenging, gentle, and inspiring approach ignites a fire in clients, helping them get through the darkest moments of life and come out the other side, kicking butt, and being authentically themselves.

Rick thrives, working with individuals, and those in their inner circle, as they embark on the journey out of the closet and beyond. He specializes in helping people build confidence, live their passion while loving their work, and live authentically. Authenticity isn't just a word he throws around lightly. It's the backbone of his practice and the manner in which he personnally strives to live each and every day of his own life.

Join Rick's Monthly "Guyz Like Us" Free Coaching Call For Gay Men!

Connect with Rick through his Coming Out & Life Coaching Newsletter.

Schedule A Discovery Session - Click Here

Twitter - @rickclemons
Facebook -The Gay Man's Life Coach & Rick The Coming Out Coach
You Tube Channel -The Gay Man's Life Coach & Coming Out Coach

Location: Riverside, CA
Credentials: ACC, CPC
Specialties: LGBT Issues (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender), Men's Issues, Sexuality
Other Articles/News by Rick Clemons:

6 Reasons I (Finally!) Married My Gay Partner Of 13 Years


Thirteen years is a long time to share a life with someone. I should know; I've now done it twice. Once with my ex-wife, and this time with my partner ... you know, the gay one. I know, it's not 25 or 50 years, but God willing, I'll at least get to 24 with my partner ... oh wait, make that: my husband! Yep, I got hitched and just in the nick ... Read more

Hey Straight Men, Be Honest: You’re Gay! (Or At Least Bisexual)


First, let me say—by no means am I the pot calling the kettle black. After all, I was once one of those "not gay" straight guys who enjoyed having ("seriously, I'm not gay") sex with other "not gay" straight guys (as well as a few fully "out" gay guys).  You see, there's a hidden epidemic, (well, ... Read more

Will I Be A Bad Gay Lover? 5 Fears About Coming Out


Call it a mid-life crisis or just finally coming to your senses. Either way, coming out late in life is confusing. Yes. We could have avoided all this had we walked the line of integrity and said, "I'm gay!" The only problem is that's so much easier said than done. In fact, I'm always amused at the number of people from all walks of ... Read more

See More

My Videos
Must-see Videos
Most Popular