Let's not jump to conclusions and assume that because you're reading this article, you're flirting with your own version of 50 Shades Of Gay. It's OK to absorb a gay guy's perspective on dating and relationships. It wasn't too long ago, after all, that Queer Eye For The Straight Guy became a rockin' little empire. The men on it dished out tips on style, grooming and even dating and relationships.
If you catch my drift, I promise you that reading this article won't make you gay. The only thing you have to contend with is the possibility of getting laid more regularly with a woman who actually wants you on a regular basis. Sound good?
Now, if you don't want to read this rest of this article because love, intimacy, and a regular booty call that means something isn't your bag of tricks, then click your mouse and move on. In other words, I just gave you the gay biatch slap...so are you staying are going? Just as I thought, you're staying; so let's get to it.
We are men. Plain, simple, and frustrating men. Our core DNA causes us to grow and lose hair, think with our penises and leave our dirty clothes laying around for the magic laundry fairy to miraculously clean and return folded.
Gay or straight, we men have a way of playing games in order to protect our hunter/gatherer/master-of-our-domains mystique. Yes, even you more effeminate men play these games. You just have the advantage of being able to call forth your inner Momma to bully, guilt and pout your way into getting what you want. And how's that working for ya? Getting tired of chasing tail, checking out the talent, only to find that she's got legs and she's walking! You're not alone. It goes down the same way in every gay enclave across the globe. After the coquettish smiles wane, the hard-to-gets leave you with erectile dysfunction and $100 bill for Cosmopolitans; gay or straight, we men are being sent a huge wake-up call: "START DATING LIKE A GROWN-UP INSTEAD OF A 4-YEAR OLD!"
How do you do that?
Stop pretending. Just because she's got you bowled over by her fabulous boobage, doesn't mean you now need to enhance who you are with something that Mother Nature didn't give you. Trust me, gay guys are as guilty of lying as you straight guys are at pretending to love sipping Peach Champagne with her while attending her best friend's baby shower. The sooner you stop pretending to be something you're not for her, the less likely you are to have a welt the size of Africa across your cheek because "You lied. You lied, lied, lied!"
Drop your drawers and be vulnerable. This isn't just that all gay men want is to see other men naked. No, no, no! It's about letting you be seen. The real, raw, you that gets scared, worried, frustrated, etc. It doesn't mean you're weak, or that you're libido is shrinking. Puhlease! If there's one thing that makes a man attractive, besides dropping his drawers, it's when he lets others see him sweat. The reality of who you are as a man, underneath all that masculinity and posing is so much sexier than the Macohismo mask you work so damn hard to hide behind.
Stop being a man whore. A majority of men are capable of sleeping around. Some of us wear that badge with honor, others hide it underneath the veil of, "Who me? A slut?" While it's fun, gets our rocks off in 5 minutes, and makes us feel like "we are the conquerors," the truth is, it ain't pretty! Sexually transmitted diseases aside, how turned on are you by a girl that you know sleeps around? Not much, huh? The same applies to us men — gay or straight. The reputation of being a slut, whore, loose guy is just as demeaning for us as it is for women. Button up, use your talents wisely and before you know it, your princess will show up. Heck, if a knight in shining armor who knows how to love deeply, be insanely intimate and rock a jock can show up for a gay guy, you shouldn't give up on your version of a dream woman walking into your life. But just like the gay man who can smell a man whore from a mile away, don't underestimate the powers of straight girls to sniff out if you are a player.
Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Face it. The easiest way to get your jock in a mess is to say what you think your lady wants to hear. Don't be gun shy just because your previous relationships have left you playing lonesome loser with your lizard for a week. If she can't handle the truth, then it should set you both free. This still doesn't give you permission to just blurt out, "Yes that dress does make your butt look huge." On the contrary, it gives you permission to start having honest dialogue with her about how the two of you can communicate the good, the bad and the ugly. Lay the ground rules and saying what you mean, and meaning what you say, will become a piece of cake. Maybe even a wedding cake if that's what you're shooting for in the long run.
Don't be a drama queen! I know. How dare I call any straight man a drama queen? Well buck up mister, we've all got one in us, and don't think you don't! Every time you pout because your beloved 49ers missed that game winning field goal, you're a drama queen. The moment you let your little boy whiner begin to whimper because your gal's Mother is coming to visit, you are a drama queen. And let's not forget the ever so, so sad, "But it was my favorite pair of underwear that you threw away." DRAMA QUEEN! Funny how you can't stand the drama queen in your woman, but you're just as much of one yourself. The only difference is, yours is marching around, beating his chest with his fist, scratching his balls, and high fiving his bros for that piece of tail they just scored. Just remember, a true person of distinction would ask their buddy, "Did you wash your hands after you scratched your balls? If not, I'm not high fiving you!" Of course, even that statement is being kind of a drama queen!
I could go on, but I can see you're already puffing your chest out, ready to grab me by my spindly little gay arms and twist me into a pretzel until I cry, "Heterosexual!" Truth is, you probably wouldn't get far. I'm 6'5, 280 pounds, have legs of steel, and am as furry as they come. So you could try to grab me, torture me and prove to me that you're more of a man than I am, but the truth is, I could probably land a date with a gal quicker than you because I appreciate and honor my masculine and feminine sides each and every day. Chicks and dicks love that. They do. Trust me!
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