I went undercover on 2 gay dating apps and what did I find? 3 types of men you NEED in your life.
Don't judge me because I surf dating apps for gay men, and I won't judge you either. We're both big boys.
Okay, maybe I'm a little bigger than the average bear. Regardless of my build, BooBoo, or the girth in my loins, I still enjoy the pursuit of pointless chatter on gay apps. Yes—even though I'm married to my man of 13 years. Like I said, "Judge not least ye be judged."
The real reason I'm on the Scruff and GROWLr apps is because they entertain me, give me fodder for blog posts, and help me do research into the mind of the gay man, a place where no gay man should venture.
Oh come on, can't you take a joke? I mean, where else on the planet do you get greeted by, "Private Pictures Unlocked"? Even with a few drinks, the last thing I want greeting me is URANUS. Now, a nice bubble butt in a pair of Andrew Christians is doable and a whole other way to say hello.
Now that I've been transparent about my adventures on gay apps, I hear the pitter patter of gay men's fingers across the globe, quickly logging onto Scruff and GROWLr. Why? It's a mad rush to find me and block me from reading your profiles. Here, I'll make that easy for you. My user name is CoachRick on SCRUFF and GROWLr.
A little interesting side note: Most guys strike up conversations me on the apps based on my profile name, thinking I'm a football, wrestling, basketball coach, proving the fantastical fantasies gay men love to live out in their minds. Sorry to disappoint, but I'm simply a (wait for it) ... LIFE COACH.
Now that we've established who I am, what I do, and why I'm on the apps, maybe we should establish whether we're here for friendships, relationships, random play/NSA, dates, chat only, or networking. Personally, I'm here sharing this article because I love writing, and I'm hoping that what I write causes a gay guy to wake up and say, "I want more from life."
In my fantasy, he decides a life coach would be great, and off we go to have a relationship where we're kind of like friends, but we're not. A relationship where we randomly play, so we can discover what really makes them tick.
We have dates, but they're professional coaching dates. We only chat (no booty calls) and in a way, we network. I help guys build a network of new beliefs to make their life ROCK.
Jeez, that paragraph literally exhausted me. Okay, back to the awesome, entertaining one-liners I've found on Scruff and GROWLr.
Here's my list of prose that tickled my pickle, made me laugh, and made me think.
This list may just be what the doctor ordered to help some of you gay men out there get more quality booty calls, step into some really engaging conversations, and relinquish the habit of conversations with "Private Pictures Unlocked:"
1. Long-Term Relationship Guy:
- More interested in a mature brain and good manners, not pumped muscles and a big tool. Bravo! Channel your inner Lorena Bobbit and chop of the best parts of the male physique.
- Just a regular guy caught in this gay purgatory somewhere between one-night-stands and happily ever after. Oh, honey, gay purgatory extends far beyond the apps.
- It's great to chat with people who have faith in something and pursue life with deliberateness. I wonder what else he pursues deliberately?
- I believe you should never make someone a priority when you are nothing more than an option to them. If I wasn't married, I'd go after this hunk-o-hunk of burning love with a side of mature logic.
- If you could love the wrong person, imagine how much you could love the right one. With that being said, I am willing to lie to your mother about how we met. This one's a little bit Buddha, Ghandi, and Meryl Streep from The Devil Wears Prada, all wrapped up in one tight, little package.
- Marriage. Cue the running. I'm too goal-oriented for this endless casual dating BS. I like stability and long-term commitment. I'm way too overqualified for something temporary. Something tells me that a) he's into LTR, b) he's honest and transparent, and c) he should write an advice column for Cosmopolitan. Straight girls would eat his stuff up.
2. The Last Comic Standing:
- The probability that a guy is extremely hot is an exponential function that strictly increases with distance. Yes, distance, and whether you forgot your contacts or glasses.
- As men age, updating pictures lowers drastically. Um, they could update their pictures that've been photoshopped, dufus.
- Life has a funny way of playing with us and not apologizing ... just like most of the guys on this app, but I'm a dreamer. I wonder if he dreams about being on Adam Levine's lap while black Blake Shelton yells, "Ride that ponym boy." I'm sorry. I apologize.
- Looking for friends, follies, and fuck buddies, or like most people on here, looking to message back and forth, swap pics, talk about meeting in person, flake out, and go silent without ever meeting. I'm bowing down to this boy. Bravo, bravo, bravo.
- No friendship or stimulating conversation ever started with the words, "Private pictures unlocked." Surprise me. Was this boy reading my mind or what?
- I think unlocking private pictures is a great way to say hello. This one needs to take a lesson from the one above.
3. Men Who Speak the Truth:
- I'm into husky and muscular, so let the endless back and forth texts begin. Preach, son, preach.
- Penis size is irrelevant; it's the whole enchilada that gets the sour cream. Irrelevant? Obviously someone has overdosed on Mexican food.
- Sexy is everywhere, so why limit ones self? Yes, yes, yes, a man who sees the big picture.
- I'm a phenomenal work in progress. Confidence? Check. Honesty? Check. When you finish the work, he'll be ready to become the featured man on SCRUFF.
- Gentlemen, don't get all full of yourselves; at least my partial face picture is current and not from my college days. I sent this one to my therapist to dissect. It was way too much for my coaching credential.
If you're like me, you now see why I'm laughing my ass off, blown away by some of the ingenious gay men on these apps. Let's give them a round of applause. After all, they've broken their nails, rubbed their fingerprints off their fingers, and suffered carpal tunnel syndrome trying to find the man/hookup of their dreams.
They deserve a little respect. Yet, the one that made me laugh so hard that I had to tinkle was the following: "I have sensitive nipples. They cry at sad movies!"
Ah yes, gay men—the most elusive, creative, entertaining creatures on the planet. Now, if you could just land one of your own ...
What I'm looking for? Gay men ready to take a stand and say, "My apps are my friends but not my life!" If this is you, and you're ready to hookup with a life that makes you come alive, then maybe you should reach out to CoachRick and set up a complimentary coaching session. Chat only, NSA!