I think I am “monogamish”, a new term coined by Dan Savage in The New York Times Magazine several weeks ago (Married, with Infidelities). If you read the NY Times best seller Sex at Dawn which makes the case that we humans are at our core non monogamous creatures – you will know what I mean.
What the conversation is really about - is that in many ways - monogamy is a societal concept, imposed on us by religion and many other factors. I loved Sex at Dawn, but for me personally it's a big leap from there to being polyamorous. And yet my memoir, Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner is all about wanting more....and staying married.
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So, how do you get more - and stay monogamous? Is there a solution outside of going from marriage to marriage in a serial monogamy routine that so many of us fall into because we need more on some level?
Is there something in-between monogamy and full out polyamory no matter what Charlie Sheen says? Is polyarmory the next big sexual revolution or can there be something else too? Dare I say it - a middle ground of sorts? Is that what Dan Savage is talking about when he offered up the word “monogamish”?
How about "expanded monogamy"? When I first thought of the term "expanded monogamy" I thought that I had coined a new term. But a quick search on google turned up several references to expanded monogamy with different definitions. In my version of expanded monogamy - a couple sets the rules of sexual exploration that fit with their own set of personal boundaries that in my own rule book does not include taking a lover. In my take on expanded monogamy - I am not talking about what been called an "Open Marriage". My version has boundaries that may seem outside of the box for some - but for others may seem quite restrictive.
What is agreeable to one couple may not be agreeable to another. In my story - Shameless - I realize that I created a form of expanded monogamy and developed with my husband a way for me to explore my sexuality that did not fit the traditional outline of monogamy but was not polygamy either. I explored the concept of polyarmory by reading a wonderful book on the subject by Deborah Anapol - but the concept was quite right for me. I need something else - new language! And if I have learned anything in my years as a fertility advocate and sex coach - if we don't have language for something - we get very confused.
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We are also not so good at finding middle places in our society. Many people on my book tour keep asking me questions like "How did your husband feel about you going to a Tantra workshop?" or "Did you husband get jealous of you working with hands on sexual healers?" Keep Reading..
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