Recently, one of our clients discovered a man she was attracted to on an online dating site. She was surprised because she had been skeptical about online dating. Then she began to make her first mistake — one that we see so many women make. She began to put a lot of expectations on this man and their possible relationship before they had even met. You see, she suffered from an issue that we confront with so many of our clients. She believed that she wouldn't meet another man she was this interested in so she figured she better make this one work.
We told her what we want to share with you today — a good man is not a unicorn.
A good man is not a rare creature that, once discovered, must be hung onto for dear life. A good man is one of many millions of good men who exist in the world. And since he is not such a rare creature, you can take your time getting to know him before you invest any emotional energy on a possible future with him.
When you invest too much energy into that rare find, you make the mistake of overlooking any other qualities he may have that may not be ideal for you. How often do you find yourself settling for less than you desire? Less than you deserve? Less than your heart knows is possible for you?
We find that the single biggest problem with relationships today is people settling for less than their true heart's desire. Every week we receive dozens of questions for our blog Love Notes Weekly that include, "We love each other but…" "I love him, but…"
When it comes to love there are no "buts." If you're not together, than he is not "The One" for you! If you found a man who would be "Perfect, if only…" it appears you are treating that man like a unicorn. The truth is, if you found a man who is almost perfect for you that just means there are many more men similar to him that exist! If you found one that is close, that just means you're getting closer. Stop settling for close and be patient for the right one.
The man who is right for you will get you. He won't bail when things get tough. He won't be perfect — he’ll be perfect for you. The ideal relationship is when both people commit to working it out. What you each have to work through is your own stuff. You can choose to do this work consciously and in partnership, or you can continue to go from one relationship to the next and find that your stuff shows up over and over and over again. Carrying a torch for someone only prolongs the pain and stunts your growth. No man is a unicorn — there is nothing romantic about being star-crossed lovers. Remember, Romeo and Juliet died together; they did not live happily ever after.
We have a saying that hope is the first thing that comes into a relationship, and it is the last thing to leave. Do not let hope cloud your discernment. Most people choose a partner based on attraction and compatibility, right? Those two need to be in place; however, what creates longevity in relationship is when there is a values match.
It is not possible to ask someone about their values. For example, no one will say they do not value honesty. The way to discover someone's values is to spend time with them and observe how they behave, where they invest their time and other resources. This takes time. Rushing into a relationship because you may never feel "this way" again is a recipe for disaster. How would you behave differently in the dating process if you believed with every fiber of your being that your "One" is out there working his way to you too? This is the Truth with a capital T.
Decide today that you never have to settle in love and say No to everything you do not want — even if it appears to be close to what you really do.
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