Are You Protecting Yourself From Love?


Are You Protecting Yourself From Love?
Holding onto past hurts can block you from finding the love you truly want.

Your exes could be the number one thing blocking you from finding love today.

We're not saying it is their fault. No one needs another reason to hate their ex; however, the choices you made after your break-up are probably getting in the way of you finding true love.


Creating love requires you to be open and take risks. When our heart is broken, most of us want to make sure we never feel that pain again. We never want to feel the hurt and the betrayal, the sadness and/or the shame, or even the anger that resulted from the break-up.

Unfortunately, it's exactly that desire—the desire to never feel those bad feelings again—that keeps you from taking the kind of risks required to create lasting love moving forward.

Love is not something you can create from a sense of lack. Lasting love and healthy love requires a thriving mindset. It requires you to see the possibility in someone. It requires you to risk having your heart broken—again. It requires you to be courageous enough to be vulnerable.

If you are limiting yourself because you want to avoid the pain of the past, then you will make safe choices. Many of our clients come to us because they are divorced from what we call the "Should Guy." They tell us how they felt at the time and their reasoning for having married him: "I should marry him because he loves me so much." "I should marry him because he is a good provider." "I should marry him because he would never cheat."

Sadly, they discovered that settling in love was not the answer to creating lasting love. They wanted romance and passion along with a good provider. They wanted to be as crazy about him as he was about her. They wanted someone who would make their heart skip a beat when they walked in the room.

Avoiding pain is no way to create anything in life. When you are focused on avoiding the pain, the truth is that you're still caught up in the pain.

The anger you felt when your partner cheated on you is still present when you're adamant that the most important thing is that your new partner can be trusted. The hurt you felt when your ex was emotionally unavailable will still be lurking in your subconscious when you focus on your next partner being able to express his emotions and communicate how he feels.

The negative emotions you're trying to avoid will rise to the surface when there is an issue in your new relationship. You will over-react with anger, or hurt over a small issue between the two of you. Or perhaps you will not give an honest partner a second chance over miscommunication because the pain of a past betrayal has now multiplied and you feel you can't even trust yourself.

The key is to take the time to heal the wounds from those past relationships. Release the negative emotions from your past heart breaks and discover what your negative patterns have been. Perhaps even find the gratitude for your ex so that you can learn and grow. When you can be grateful for all of your exes, you will only then truly be on the path to a great love.

Remember, if you're protecting yourself from pain, that same shield will also block out the love you desire. If you want to create a true soul partnership you will have to let love in.

More breakup advice on YourTango:

How To (Finally) Get Over Your Breakup And Move On

Help! My Last Breakup Scarred Me For Life

How To Get Over A Bad Breakup

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Orna And Matthew Walters

Dating Coach

Creating Love On Purpose…not just by accident!

We are Relationship Coaches for Singles who desire LOVE!

Everything in life worth having takes effort. When it comes to matters of the heart we all seem to buy into the idea that it will happen by magic. The truth is that your internal guidance system will continue to create the same dysfunctional relationships over and over again . . . until we make the effort to change our story!

You don't have to settle for just enough! You can have it all! And we are here to show you how.

Watch our video: "Why Smart Women Stay Single"

and receive Love Notes Weekly, the Creating Love On Purpose Newsletter

- voted one of the 10 Best Love Blogs by Dating Advice dot com. 


“Focus On Love – Change Your Life!”

Orna and Matthew Walters, C.Ht.


Location: Santa Monica, CA
Credentials: CHT, Other
Other Articles/News by Orna and Matthew Walters:

Don't Trip Over Love, Plan For It


If you are single and looking for love, it is likely that you have a belief that is blocking you from finding that great relationship you desire. We call this belief, "The Myth of Accidental Love." The Myth of Accidental Love is something that we are introduced to at a very young age (usually in a Disney movie), and it shows up in all parts of our ... Read more

Do Pheromones Really Cause Us To Fall In Love (Lust?)


The science of attraction is constantly proposing theories about why we find each other attractive. Scientists have studied whether symmetry or asymmetry is more attractive (both in bodies and faces), the shapes of our bodies and faces and how that affects attraction, and especially the effect of how we smell. Pheromones, or the chemical secretions we emit ... Read more

What About Conscious Coupling?


There’s a ton of buzz happening about our friend and colleague, Katherine Woodward Thomas’ “Conscious Uncoupling” thanks to Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin announcing their split in this way. Always happy to hear that people are doing things consciously, mind-fully and purposefully for the highest and best intentions of all ... Read more

See More

My Videos
Most Popular