Fighting with a loved one is a test! What happens after a fight matters a lot!
Hidden questions are: how much do you love me regardless of us fighting? Do you think I deserve your love even when I confront you? Or are you going to dump me in the middle of this exercise? C'mon, show me that you care for me even when I'm provoking you!
We need to show each other that our connection is above us fighting, that we are the most important thing in the world for each other regardless of the issue we are fighting about.
We also need for us to love and accept each other even with our failures, imperfections and temper tantrums — we are not perfect, but we need to perfectly accept the other as the only human being that really matters in the world.
This is the relational truth that is so difficult to remember. All the other variations are deadly.
It depends on the kind of fight you had. When you do a fight to win your point, there is no way to end the situation in a positive way. The desire to win the fight and prove the other person wrong is the "bad guy." It says, "I'm right and you are wrong." One side will end up saying anything bad to get at him/her. And she will keep sniping at him trying to show him he can't put her down. Proving the other wrong pushes you further and further apart. You both end up more and more defeated and alone. Nobody can win with this style of fighting.
When you find yourself fighting to get the other destroyed, you know in your heart that things will go terribly wrong for both of you.
STOP! TRY THE TIPS to close a fight in a better, conciliatory mode:
- Don't gloat and rejoice if you think you "won" because you will pay for it dearly.
- Don't show that you are sorry because you lost, there are no winners here.
- Show that you are a good sport and never repeat an insult hurled in the fight.
- Tell the other side that it relieves you to connect to them again.
- Say that you hate fighting, but you get sometimes carried away.
- Do a generic apology: "Just in case I got too aggressive with you, I apologize..."
- Finally — show that both of you can learn something: Repeat out loud that you understand the needs of your partner. Ask: How can we be sure that we have found a resolution for this need? And reassure your partner that regardless of the hurt caused by the fight, you understand it came from the wish to connect more with each other.