Because social media makes it SO HARD to "move on."
There’s breaking up in real life, and then there’s breaking up on Facebook. In real life there are a million ways to do it; but on Facebook, there’s only really one: un-friending your ex. It’s pretty severe and very permanent.
Sure, you can limit what your ex sees of your profile, but let’s face it, after a breakup, you really want to limit what YOU see of your ex. As in, no photos with anyone who could be a full-time model (or new partner); or a relationship status that wavers between single and ‘it’s complicated.’
We think it's high time they add a few more buttons to help us out during those dark breakup times. So here they are, on behalf of ex-lovers everywhere, our suggestion for seven Facebook Breakup buttons:
1. The "Still in Denial" button:
This is a mutually push-able button for couples who haven't yet accepted that the relationship is officially over. And, who definitely don't want to deal with the Facebook-frenzy that will ensue once they take their breakup public. With this button, you would no longer have access to each other's profiles, but it would appear to everyone else that you were still together, still happy and everything was smooth sailing.
When you finally do disconnect on Facebook (it could even be years later), those close to you will already know and you won’t even care about anyone else.
2. The "I'm Quietly Stalking You" button:
This one's for the crazy in all of us. One press of this button would immediately send whatever your ex is up to to the top of your Facebook news feed. Yes, it's torture. Yes, it's a terrible idea. But some people are a glutton for punishment! And sometimes it's better to just see the reality than let your imagination run wild!
3. The "F*ck Off!" button:
This smart little button is for all of us out there with disaster stories. The ‘I came home and found him with my sister’ or ‘She was married with 4 kids all along’ kind of situations. This button would not only let you completely eradicate your ex, but also any other implicated parties (the person he or she cheated with, their gossipy friends, etc.). It's like "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" only the Facebook version. All photos, messages and posts tied to your ex would simply disappear off the face of the earth. Buh-bye!!
4. The "Yeah, Whatever" button:
This one's for all those people who genuinely don't care about their ex, but don't want to seem like a jerk! This button would make sure your ex never appears in your news feed, but without the brutal action of un-friending them. Perfect for keeping up amicable appearances!
5. The "Don't Tell Anyone, But ..." button:
This sneaky little button eases the blow of announcing your breakup by delivering the news to only 10 percent of your friends. The calculated trickle effect is designed to protect you from the barrage of speculation (and "OMG, are you OK? What happened??" direct messages) bound to come your way once your breakup news hits the proverbial streets.
Because, hey, if we’ve learned anything from the show Gossip Girl, it’s that the 10 percent will tell everyone else, and you’ll thereby conveniently avoid the awkward conversation with most people altogether; along with the tedious pity faces, Bridget Jones references and copies of "Eat Pray Love" sent your way.
6. Still Healing
This button is for those of us who know, deep down, our ex is a good egg, but we can't quite handle seeing his or her glorified Facebook life at this moment in the breakup recovery process. So, this button would block all traces of your ex — just for a month or two — at which point, you’ll feel ready to 'just be friends' in real life and on the internet. So smart, so mature of you. It’s like Facebook’s version of ‘conscious uncoupling’.
7. The "Look At Me Now!" button:
Think of this button as an awesome filter for your life. This sassy little button would filter out all your banal posts (i.e. "Can anyone lend me a screwdriver this weekend?") and promote up only the awesome ones (i.e. "Got VIP Coachella tickets to spare, who’s in?") — just for the eyes of your ex.
All he or she sees is you, just slightly more awesome. This button is perfect for those dumped in a rude way, then instantly replaced by someone slightly hotter. It's your, "Oh yeah, well I'm hot and happy, too. So there!" response, because living well is the best revenge (even if, for now, you're faking it).
So there you have it, Facebook. Some simple suggestions to make the digital uncoupling process easier and smoother for everyone. Algorithms can do so much these days. Surely we can make this happen. Who’s with me? Let's get this idea in front of Facebook!
Bella Acton is a relationship coach and the owner of Never Liked It Anyway, the eBay for breakups — a place to buy, sell and tell all things ex related.