This time of year generally marks the start of new ways to live life; developing positive habits physically, emotionally and relationally. As a relationship coach, I understand how difficult it can be to make lasting changes in one’s mindsets regarding love. It is very easy to say one thing, but not follow through with actions that have a lasting affect on one’s relationship decisions. One of the barriers to creating a strong, intimate connection with an available, single guy is the presence of a former boyfriend in the picture.
These former boyfriends are:
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- Guys you dated seriously for an extended time with the hope of a long term commitment and eventually marriage.
- Men who broke your heart.
- Guys who are not the father of your children.
You may be feel you are better friends than you ever were in a love relationship. You can finish each other’s sentences and know each other’s thoughts before those ideas are verbalized. All these experiences are very emotionally validating and provide a sense of security that one has someone who truly cares.
With that connection, you can have much of the emotional benefits of a relationship. The trouble with this level of close intimacy is the barrier it creates in dating. It will not be you and the new guy; it will be you, the new guy and your former boyfriend. Spiritually, one of the best parts of lasting love is that emotional connection you only have with each other.
Sharing tender thoughts, feelings and desires with two men does not make you truly vulnerable in love: in an unspoken way, you are using your ex-boyfriend as an emotional backup in case the love relationship fizzles out.
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Let’s explore why I strongly believe former boyfriends are for learning and growing emotionally. A failed relationship is an opportunity to explore one’s role in the breakup, working through negativity and self-defeating mindsets. It is not a challenge to fight for maintaining that emotional intimacy, best reserved for love.
One: The Past Never Leaves. The standard you have in your mind regarding love is generally set in your formative years. Role models usually come from your parents relationship and that becomes your barometer for normal. Keeping former boyfriends in your life, especially on a close, intimate level only enforces that particular standard. You were attracted to each other because that connection was similar in many ways to that standard. It is not wise to think one is so advanced emotionally that the past can stay in the present without affecting one’s life decisions and choices, especially in love. It is important to develop sound judgment, discretion and personal understanding so you can make positive, emotionally healthy choices. It is difficult to do this when the door to the past is opened and has a great influence over your life.