If your man cheats online, my heart goes out to you and I know that finding evidence of his romantic, sexual or loving words written to another woman can be like a dagger through the heart.
I never went through this with my husband or with a serious boyfriend but I did briefly date a guy who had a harem of women that he 'Facebook-ed' with and the sexy things these women were writing on his wall (for everyone to see) made me wonder what was in his message inbox. We broke it off after a few months but even though we weren't serious, I was very heartbroken and angry when I read the cyber love notes on my News Feed. I can only imagine how you feel and I send you strength and compassion.
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So, how do you handle him now that you have caught him cheating online? And what if it's not the first time but the 5th or 6th?
Educate Yourself About The Affair
First, I want to ask you about the 'flavor' or gist of his connection with this woman or women? Are the conversations hot & steamy and packed thick with flattery? Or are they more intimate in nature (two people soothing and tenderizing each other with comforting and loving words, as if sharing a deep care for one another)?
If your man is sending hot and steamy messages, he's probably using women to boost his ego and validate him as a virile man.
If your man is sending more intimate messages, more than likely he's craving emotional intimacy and feels unloved inside.
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Now that DOESN'T mean that you're not appreciating him enough or aren't showing him love. His feelings and reasons for going online have nothing to do with your worth as a woman and they never excuse his actions. A cheater's reasons usually have to do with their self-image and/or inability to communicate emotional needs. Please don't beat yourself up if your man cheats online-- he's the cheater!
The reason I mention it at all is to simply say that men who send intimate messages are having emotional affairs, which can be even more painful to the betrayed partner. I do find, however, that these types of affairs can offer more hope to the relationship than the affairs that are wrapped up in ego boosts. Those kinds of affairs are usually a sign of emotional detachment (propensity toward serious intimacy problems) and are even a characteristic of Narcissism. (Doesn't mean your man is necessarily a narcissist).
It's best you are armed with a general sense of the issue at hand so you can know how you want to proceed. Afterall, he may lie to you about the extent of his cheating (he may even be addicted to his cheating), and these are things you should think about. A couples' therapist or even your own personal therapist can better help you understand his motives and actions.
Put Up Your Personal Boundaries