On Sweating the Small Stuff


On Sweating the Small Stuff
It's okay to say No, to set limits and to expect cooperation from our partner.

Sometimes it feels like we have come to such a place based on the idea that we need to be politically correct, or polite that we’ve somehow lost the voice to politely, and assertively ask for what we want, and need.

In relationships, there is an underlying message we have often received, about not sweating the little stuff, to instead look at the big picture, and to pick our battles. It definitely makes sense, and I whole-heartedly agree with all those things. But what is not conveyed in this message is that in most cases, it is the little things, which add up to the big picture.  Without the small pieces in place, there would be no big picture. So, what I am saying is do sweat the small stuff, especially if the little things bother you, and especially if you care about the big picture.

I am definitely a proponent of sweating the little stuff, and still picking our battles. At the end of the day, not all of the little things are going to bother us, but if we do not address the small ones which do, as they happen, then it will start to seem like there are more and more things that will continue to get added and the next thing you know a list will begin to grow and yes, the small things will start to add up, and not in a positive way. When we don’t address our feelings and speak to the emotions of the situation, we are blatantly ignoring the situation, and the anger and frustration will find a way to express itself, and unfortunately then sometimes it’s not pretty. What ends up happening is then we hold in the emotion of anger and frustration, trying to be the bigger person, the nice person, the calm person, and then lo and behold, small things we would normally not care about start to bother us. And, if we don’t tell our partner that something is bothering us, then how are they going to know? And, no it does not make us crazy, neurotic, nit picky to ask for what we want and expect our partner to hear us and cooperate. And it doesn’t make us nice, polite, or a bigger better person if we ignore our own feelings and don’t stand up for ourselves. Quite the contrary, it makes us a doormat. It is not too much to ask our partner to hear us, and try to understand where we are coming from.

It’s okay for us to expect cooperation from our partner and to give them an opportunity to show us they’ve heard us and want to share. Not only is it okay for us to expect it, but when presented appropriately it gives our partner an opportunity to rise to the occasion and let us know that they’ve heard us and that they care.

We should not be afraid to ask for what we need. It is not asking too much to expect that our partner will want to grow with us, share with us, cooperate with us, and want us to be happy. If we are happy, then we are better for them and the relationship. So, why do we shy away from speaking our minds?

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Moushumi Ghose

Sex Therapist

Moushumi Ghose, MFT specializes in sex and relationships and is based in New York City and Los Angeles.

She is the host of The Sex Talk, a web-series dedicated to raising awarenes about sex, and sexuality, and has made several TV and media appearances including Hollywood Today The Girl Spot, Durex Condoms and Investigation Discoveries as a sex expert. 

Visit her website at www.LASexTherapist.com

Subscribe to The Sex Talk Series at www.TheSexTalkSeries.com

Listen to podcasts at Sex, Love and Rock 'N' Roll Radio.

Mou is the author of Marriage, Money and Porn, available on Amazon, and is currently writing her second book, about non-monogamous sex. 

Follow Moushumi on Twitter @MoushumiAmour and Facebook

Location: New York, NY
Credentials: LMFT, MA, MFT
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