My Boyfriend Is Still In Love With His Ex

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My Boyfriend Is Still In Love With His Ex
Can We Still Be Friends with Our Ex?

Does your boyfriend or girlfriend still have a relationship of a platonic nature with his or her ex? Does this relationship with the ex keep popping up in your relationship to the point where you feel threatened by the relationship? Do you worry about their past, and their history together? Do you feel inadequate or insecure about their conversations and interactions?

I want to turn your attention to a concept known as Starvation Economics. This concept was introduced to me by a book on open relationships, Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt. The basic concept is that love is endless, and there is no allotment of love. Love is not to be rationed. But the basic premise when dealing with, for example jealousy, the kind that pops up when we worry about our partner cheating on us, or still being in love with their ex boyfriend or girlfriend, is that there is no cap on the amount of love we can give or recieve.

We believe that just because he is in love with me, he mustn’t fall in love with another, for if he did he would fall out of love with me, when in fact most people are capable of loving many, and most people who do fall in love with another, at the other person’s expense, probably fell out of love long before falling in love again.

The basic point I am trying to make is that the capacity for love is infinite and ownership and possessiveness are prescribed by society. For some reason we have been taught that we can only be in love with one person, fall in love with one person and that one person will fulfill all of those needs. And this may be true for many, however this does not diminish the fact that the ability to love is endless. It’s not as if we only have a 100% of love to give and then it will run out.  That simply is not the case.

It is unrealistic to think that an ex boyfriend or ex spouse does not hold a spot in our hearts and in our history. It’s part of where we were and lends to where we have come in life, and where we are now. We should not feel threatened by small innocent interactions. When we are full of loving we will tend to realize and understand that our partners love for us is most likely quite different than the love they have with their ex. True, with not as much history, perhaps, but nonetheless, special in it's own way. Not better. Not worse.

Don’t be jealous of all the dirty water under the bridge of their old relationship. Learn to accept it as a part of your partner’s package and move on. Nit-picking over the relationship your partner has with his or her ex has more to do with you than it does with them. Not everyone believes that they have to cut off all ties with their exes. That is okay.

Focus on your relationship, not on the other relationships your partner has. If he is not breaking your trust by doing something dishonest, then his relationships are his business, and part of his package when coming into a relationship with you. We do not own our partners. However, if you are truly worried that your partner may leave you for his ex, or concerned about the bond they have, ask yourself is this a realistic reason to be upset or are you just jealous?

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Moushumi Ghose

Sex Therapist

Moushumi Ghose, MFT specializes in sex and relationships and is based in New York City and Los Angeles.

She is the host of The Sex Talk, a web-series dedicated to raising awarenes about sex, and sexuality, and has made several TV and media appearances including Hollywood Today The Girl Spot, Durex Condoms and Investigation Discoveries as a sex expert. 

Visit her website at www.LASexTherapist.com

Subscribe to The Sex Talk Series at www.TheSexTalkSeries.com

Listen to podcasts at Sex, Love and Rock 'N' Roll Radio.

Mou is the author of Marriage, Money and Porn, available on Amazon, and is currently writing her second book, about non-monogamous sex. 

Follow Moushumi on Twitter @MoushumiAmour and Facebook

Location: New York, NY
Credentials: LMFT, MA, MFT
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