The Monogamy Myth: Nothing Lasts Forever

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Would we be better off admitting we're just horny and afraid to be alone?

Recently, I heard this line in a movie, "You're just horny and afraid of being abandoned," in reference to a girl who was pining away for a boy who did not appear to love her back. The statement struck me, to say the least.

Obviously true for many people, myself included, I began to wonder if our fear of being abandoned is somehow contributing to this whole myth of monogamy or is it the myth of monogamy that is causing us to feel abandoned? How To Break Up With A Friend

I definitely believe that the concept of monogamy pereptuates a lot of myths. Along with monogamy come many false notions, such as "happily ever after," or the idea that there is one magical person out there for everyone. I think there can be magical connections between people, but I am always biting my tongue when I hear people say, "I think she's the one." The one what?

But the one has come to stand for so much more. It has come to suggest that we will fall in love with the one and never look at another person. The one will fulfill all of our needs. We identify with the one and then we feel anger, confusion, and discontent when the one doesn't walk, talk, look, speak, or act the way we do or how we would expect to in certain situations. Are You a Good Listener?

We feel as though we should know everything about the one and we feel blind-sided and abandoned when we realize that the one is an individual, separate from us, with his/her own motives, and reasons for doing and being. So with all that, we've been taught that the one is the only one we should fantasize about, or think about when having sex, and that in true love we never think about other people, we never look at someone else.

I suppose some would argue that this is true for them, and I can't argue with that, but for the majority of people, this is like trying to fit a circle into a square. Sometimes it isn't a perfect fit.

The majority of people are afraid to admit they have fantasies about people other than their partners. They avoid being open and upfront about it because it completely goes against society's skewed view of monogamy. It contradicts what they were taught about marriage and sex and falling in love, and if they talked about it openly, they would risk being judged and criticized. Additionally, their partners might feel hurt or abandoned.

Fear of abandonment is something we all deal with from the time we are little. When we are children and other kids bully us, we feel emotionally abandoned. When a close friend moves away, we feel sadness and begin to understand that nothing lasts forever. Some children have to experience the loss of a parent or loved one either through divorce, death or some other circumstance, which can only be described as traumatic.

We are forced to learn at a very young age of the impermanence of things and then we are spoon fed the concept of monogamy and bam! It's like there is this answer to our fear of abandonment: marriage. Marriage becomes the answer to all our woes. Stop Sabotaging Your Love Life!

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Moushumi Ghose

Sex Therapist

Moushumi Ghose, MFT specializes in sex and relationships and is based in New York City and Los Angeles.

She is the host of The Sex Talk, a web-series dedicated to raising awarenes about sex, and sexuality, and has made several TV and media appearances including Hollywood Today The Girl Spot, Durex Condoms and Investigation Discoveries as a sex expert. 

Visit her website at www.LASexTherapist.com

Subscribe to The Sex Talk Series at www.TheSexTalkSeries.com

Listen to podcasts at Sex, Love and Rock 'N' Roll Radio.

Mou is the author of Marriage, Money and Porn, available on Amazon, and is currently writing her second book, about non-monogamous sex. 

Follow Moushumi on Twitter @MoushumiAmour and Facebook

Location: New York, NY
Credentials: LMFT, MA, MFT
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