Are You Lonely Or Just Addicted To An Unrealistic Romantic Myth?

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Are You Lonely Or Just Addicted To An Unrealistic Romantic Myth?
Contrary to what you may think, romance rarely just shows up at one's door, and can take some work.

Are You Really Lonely or Addicted to An Unrealistic Romantic Myth?

Do what you love and the rest will follow. This is the premise I operate on and is often one of the things, which I will say to single people who seem at wits end trying to figure out why they are alone. But, this idea is often scoffed at. And I get it, actually. It’s hard to do what you love when you feel like you are lacking in some areas of your life, namely love. Some of my biggest accomplishments in life have been accomplished because I felt I had the loving support of a caring partner.

Something, on the other hand, feels like you self described single and unhappy people are alone because of something within you, which might suggest that you are focusing on the wrong things (being in a relationship) and not being truly honest with yourself (that you might not really want to do the work it takes to get one, and stay in one).

There seem to be a number of people who are not in a committed relationship, who are desperate to find a partner, yet seem to be wholly unsatisfied with the people they do meet, will nit-pick, fuss, fight and push the other person away. Or they are desperate to find a partner, but have a long dirty list of unrealistic expectations, which they are unwilling to compromise and some even go so far as to basically admit that they are unwilling to do the work it takes to even really meet someone. Many complain that they cannot seem to meet anyone and seem bitter and jealous towards their friends who are in couples, and often just bitter and jealous in general. They think that everyone got into their relationships and love lives easily, and that they too should be entitled to the same kind of love.

I try to say that you have to let go. You have to let it go. Everyone has a different path of love. You are focusing on the wrong thing. You are focused on the negatives (what you don’t have, either the relationship or the person) instead of the positives. You are being driven by an unrealistic absolutist fear (of not finding your one true love). Unfortunately, my words often fall on deaf ears, and I am met with a whole lot of resistance. Ruminating on the lack of love in one’s life may just be a part of the process, and I am open to that, just as long as it doesn’t become the whole process.

Many seem to suffer from anger, frustration, anxiety, and a fear of being alone but I wonder do these people really want to be tied down? Do they really want to put in the work it takes to be in a relationship?

It often seems like the list of expectations are exceedingly too long and on the surface it looks like you just haven’t met someone compatible, but on the inside and upon deeper investigation it often looks more like you are not willing to compromise. If you were really lonely you would do just about anything to find a decent companion, be engaged in dating, and you would do anything to compromise for it. I’ve seen it a million times. In fact, I would harness a guess that a majority of marriages fall into this category. Many, if not most, married people have made a conscious choice to avoid the harsh realities of loneliness and stay with someone, who is not perfect, but the truth of the matter is, these realists know that no one is. Perfect. That is.

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Moushumi Ghose

Sex Therapist

Moushumi Ghose, MFT specializes in sex and relationships and is based in New York City and Los Angeles.

She is the host of The Sex Talk, a web-series dedicated to raising awarenes about sex, and sexuality, and has made several TV and media appearances including Hollywood Today The Girl Spot, Durex Condoms and Investigation Discoveries as a sex expert. 

Visit her website at www.LASexTherapist.com

Subscribe to The Sex Talk Series at www.TheSexTalkSeries.com

Listen to podcasts at Sex, Love and Rock 'N' Roll Radio.

Mou is the author of Marriage, Money and Porn, available on Amazon, and is currently writing her second book, about non-monogamous sex. 

Follow Moushumi on Twitter @MoushumiAmour and Facebook

Location: New York, NY
Credentials: LMFT, MA, MFT
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