We've all heard them and, most likely, we've all used them: the lame, not-at-all creative, not necessarily believable breakup excuses. They are cliché, catchphrase, and so common they deserve a place in the dictionary.... or the trash can. They may be all these things, but they are also here to stay.
But, that's not even the most annoying part. The worst thing about lame breakup excuses is that they are rarely honest: if someone is breaking up with you, you want to know why, and you deserve to know why. What you don't want is someone with an excuse that reads like it's written on a teleprompter. "I (insert name here) am just not ready for all this…" And Blah, Blah, Blah.
That is, of course, the bad news. The good news is that lame breakup excuses provide us with, at the very least, blog material. We can poke fun at them, and poke fun at them we will. So, I give you some of dating's dumbest, lamest, and corniest breakup excuses:
"It's not you, it's me"
Ah, the "it's not you, it's me" excuse. An oldie, but not a goodie. The lamest thing about this excuse is that it is a bold faced lie. The person who is using it is really saying, "It's you, I'm awesome." If it really wasn't you, they wouldn't be initiating a breakup to begin with.
"I'm not ready for commitment"
Taken straight from the "How to Waste Someone's Time Handbook" comes the commitment excuse. Milli Vanilli blamed it on the rain, and the people using this excuse are blaming it on fear of obligation. What do they have in common? They are both full of crap (yet, in the spirit of full disclosure, I must confess that I still have a Milli Vanilli tape…and yes, I listen to it). People who say they are not ready to commit really mean that they are not ready to commit with you. If they weren't ready to commit with anyone, then why would they be dating in the first place? An exception to this may be the people who insist, from the start, that they aren't looking for anything serious. They may genuinely run from commitment like Kanye West runs toward a mirror.
"I need to concentrate on me"
This is another excuse that has been used for centuries, perhaps the Caveman even said to the Cavewoman, "I need to concentrate on me…and slaying that Wooly Mammoth." Yet, even time hasn't taken away any of its lameness. People who breakup with someone to concentrate on themselves are using an excuse that they know is hard to refute (the partner who tells them that they don't need to concentrate on themselves comes across as selfish). People do need – and should – concentrate on themselves, but they don't need to end a relationship to do it. Instead, being in a relationship is actually a wonderful way to learn about yourself, and concentrate on fixing your shortcomings.
"I just don't have time for anything serious"
The thing about relationships is this: we are all busy, but when you find someone you want to be with, it's easy to make time for them. If a person says they are too busy for a relationship, there's a good chance the translation reads: "I just don't have time for anything serious with you." Even people who are genuinely incredibly busy – ER doctors, movie actors, CPAs in April, double agents – have the ability to make time for the people they want to pursue.
"I'm moving to Yemen"
Okay, so I stole this from the TV show Friends, but my point is that when the person you are dating suddenly tells you they are moving – particularly if that move involves an obscure location or somewhere with no cell or internet service – there's a good chance they are simply trying to ditch you. This is especially true if, weeks after they've relocated to Mongolia, you see them in the produce aisle of the local grocery store.
"I'm in the CIA"
You only need to watch a few true crime shows to realize that people often say they are in the CIA to get out of a relationship or to disappear for weeks during one. But, these people are more POS than they are CIA. Yet, luckily, there is a sure fire ploy to know if they are lying: the best way to know someone isn't in the CIA is when they tell you they are.
To learn more about overcoming a breakup, click here.