Breakups aren't always the final answer.
No matter who you are or how long you've been dating, break-ups hurt. In fact, sometimes they can feel like a direct hit to the heart, as if we are experiencing the "Save Uma"scene from Pulp Fiction. This is, of course, what sucks about relationships: Chances are we will each have our fair share of break-ups before we find our one and only.
In the past, you may have handled a break-up a variety of ways. Perhaps you cried your eyes out when your college relationship ended; maybe you ripped up your yearbook when your high school relationship came to a close; perhaps you even tried to stick your head into your Easy Bake Oven when your third grade dalliance met a crashing end. No matter how you've handled them in the past, going forward, you might only be able to handle them one of three ways.
Option one is to obsess, to analyze over and over again the very moment your relationship took a wrong and fatal turn. Maybe it was something you said, maybe it was something you did, maybe it was really nothing at all. Either way, it's enough to keep you obsessing. Eventually, your obsession begins to intensify; perhaps you even begin cyber stalking (it is, after all, so much easier than regular stalking), limiting your interests to who your ex is with and what they are doing.
- Moving On
Option two is to move on—you take the old adage "out of sight out of mind" to heart and simply put your ex far, far away. You quickly begin dating, one rebound after another until your name practically appears in the NBA box scores. You have trouble convincing yourself that you are over your ex, but the rebounds at least help staunch the loneliness. Finally, after enough time has passed, you start to feel less angry towards your ex, less hurt, and more accepting of the situation. Maybe you even find someone new who can truly give you the happiness you deserve.
- Getting Your Ex Back
Option three is to get your ex back. Now, this is only a viable plan if two things are true: Uou and your ex genuinely love each other and you are willing to work. But, if you put in the effort, you just might be extraordinary rewarded.
So, for option three takers, where do you go from here? It's simple, you start with yourself. For whatever reason, your past relationship failed. It's probably not all your fault or all their fault. Most likely, the fault line is somewhere in the middle. Yet, the only person you need to be concerned about in this equation is the person you can control: you.
Figure out what your part in the demise of the relationship was and devise a plan on how to avoid it in the future. For instance, if you were manipulative in order to get what you wanted, work on actually stating what you want: be honest and be open. If you were standoffish, work on your level of communication. This too involves being honest and open.
After you have figured out what areas you need to improve, work on proving this to your ex. But first, you need to remind them of why they fell in love with you in the first place (there were probably a lot of reasons!). One way you can do this is by changing their mood, rather than changing their mind.
Once you've reminded them of all the qualities they found endearing, prove to them the qualities that they didn't like—those that left them taking detailed notes as they watched the TV show Snapped—are things of the past. After that, it just might be smooth sailing.
To learn more about getting an ex back, click here.
More breakup advice on YourTango: