I have you penciled in...for sex

Why do we resist scheduling time for sex? It is as though we believe that if we are truly sexually inspired, time will stop, children, clutter and work commitments will disappear and we will magically fall into bed with our lover. Similarly, I personally have tried the fitness plan in which I just wait for the moments when I get home from work and spontaneously decide to take a run around the block. Let’s just say I didn’t get very fit. Our fast paced, full of distractions lifestyle does not lend itself to letting something just happen when it happens. For better or worse, if we care about something, we need to plan to make it a priority.

So how do we make scheduling time for sex something that is actually sexy? Here are some ideas.

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Remember why sex is a priority for you. First step is to connect with the reasons you want to be having sex with your partner. There are lots of reasons why sex is good for your relationship and your health. (Look for my future article on the benefits being sexual.) But what is more important is for you to envision the kind of relationship you want to have and how sexuality fits into it. How do you want to feel when you are with your partner? Beautiful, strong, vital, desirable? How do you want to connect with your partner? Can you see how sex is a part of building that connection for you? Remember why you are motivated about this important element of your relationship and it will help you to be more excited about making time for it. Write down three good things sex brings to your life and keep those in your calendar or somewhere you see them regularly.

Schedule time to schedule time. Okay, so maybe you are sold on the idea that sex is a priority and that you want to make time for it, but now you have to actually take the action step of looking at your calendars and selecting a time that works for your lives. This may seem obvious, but with the same magical thinking that goes into hoping sex will just happen, we often hope that a time will just appear in our schedules. Or people ambush their partner in the middle of the evening routine by saying, “We need to pick a time to have sex next week! When can you do it?” Their partner in the moment, possibly up to their elbows in dirty dish water, now feels pressured and not in the mood to even think about sex. You actually have to make time to talk together about your schedules and what feels manageable in a comfortable, relaxed way.
Try this approach. “Being sexual with you is really important and special to me and lately it feels like it is really hard to find the time. Let’s each look at our calendars and see if we can carve out time to be together sexually. Can you think about what might work for you and then we will sit down after the kids are in bed next Tuesday and find a solution together?” Then follow through.