Why We Investigate His Ex-girlfriends.

We’ve all probably done it - looked up his ex-girlfriend on Facebook. Curiosity is not a problem. That’s normal. You want to know what she looks like. You want to know if you are prettier, sexier, and have a better body. That’s very normal.

But if you have googled, played detective, researched, and practically STALKED his exes, you need to take a look at yourself and why you do it.

He is with you now, so what do you care about the women he used to be with?

As a dating coach, I’ve heard a lot of stories about how insecurities about exes have ruined relationships. I understand what is happening. I even have my own stories about ex-boyfriends’ exes.

One of my ex-boyfriends used to date a woman that is now a celebrity chef. She wasn’t well-known back then. He and she stayed friends after they broke up and she would call him every so often when I started dating him. The problem was, he had once mentioned before we got into a serious relationship that when he was not dating anyone that he and one of his exes used to get together in a “friends-with-benefits” kind of way. So naturally I started thinking this ex was who he was talking about. And since she was calling him, I wondered if she was trying to lure him back into her bed.

I was very insecure about her and wanted to know all I could. I even signed up for a cooking class she was teaching at a local community college! I paid money to meet his ex in person. How crazy is that?

I actually liked the class and it turned out she was a very cool woman, who was NOT after my boyfriend. Her new boyfriend was there supporting her during the class! I felt so foolish.

I still think about my crazy behavior when I see her on television now. Embarrassing!

Some of you have similar stories.

Katy* had this problem and it ruined the relationship. Not only had Katy googled the woman who had a child with her lover, she found out where the woman lived and drove by her home to see if her man was there one night when she couldn’t reach him by phone.

Katy’s man had not even told her the woman’s name (which also means they had bigger problems in the relationship). He had no clue that Katy had found out many details about this woman on her own and had developed a little file on her. He happened to find this file and flipped out. He broke it off with Katy, saying she was irrational, crazy, and yes – a stalker.

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Samantha* had a similar occurrence. She came to me because every time her new boyfriend mentioned a female friend of his, she wanted to know everything about that friend. She couldn’t stop asking him questions. She wanted to befriend his female friends on Facebook and see what they were saying to him. She did searches on Intellius to find out the women’s ages and little details. She also looked through their Facebook photos to see if she could find any with her boyfriend in them. She didn’t know WHY she was behaving this way and wanted to stop. She felt very insecure and didn’t know what to do.

So let me tell you what is usually going on when we do these things.

Reasons why we research the former women in our man’s life:

Insecurities
Lack of trust
Fear of inadequacy or measuring up to her
Fear he still desires her
Fear he’ll go back to her

There are other reasons, of course. But the main thing you need to know is you need to get a handle on yourself and your actions. Deal with your insecurities. It is never about the other woman. It is about what you and he have or don’t have (a secure relationship). Talk to him about how you feel. Talk to a counselor or dating coach if you need to.

Why We Investigate His Ex-girlfriends.

If you’re playing detective, researching his female friends, you may have a problem.

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