How Your Negative Feelings Destroy Your Chances Of Finding Love

angry woman
Love, Heartbreak

Is your belief really your reality? What you believe about your love life is what you'll manifest.

Do you find that you keep having the same painful experiences when it comes to love and relationships? Perhaps you often tell yourself things like, "I'm never lucky in love," or "Men lose interest in me once they get to know me." If so, you may be experiencing a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy, one that is revealed as your most secret beliefs about yourself affect how you're experiencing reality.

This happened with a woman friend of mine named Lori. Lori had been painfully hurt over past rejections. One day, she met the man of her dreams. After taking her out for an elegant dinner with a group of other couples, he brought Lori home and said he would have to leave because he needed to be at work early the next morning. "In fact," he said, "I've got such a crazy busy next few days at the office, I don't think I'm going to be able to see you this week." Lori felt a horrible dread inside her—the all-too-familiar shame of rejection and fear of a breakup. She assumed he was trying to soften the blow and what he really wanted to say was that he didn't want her anymore. 

Haven't we all experienced this at some point in our lives?

We hear something that sends our throat down to our stomach. In the moment, we can't help but believe that the person is telling us how wrong we are or that they don't like us. The reality, however, is often far different than our perception. When Lori's boyfriend said, "I'm not going to be able to see you this week," what she heard in her heart was, "I'm dumping you," and she created a turning point in her relationship with this man.

On the verge of tears, Lori saw what she believed to be true—that any man who got to know her would eventually leave. She all but shoved her now-bewildered boyfriend out the door. What Lori didn't realize is that he really did have a busy week ahead. It never occurred to him that saying so would upset her so much. The poor fellow, who had no clue what was going on inside of Lori's head, went home and began wondering if their relationship was Lori's whole life. He wasn't ready for that kind of responsibility. He started reconsidering the relationship, just as Lori had told herself he would. Like Lori, when we tell ourselves that we're not worthy of being loved, our minds begin to look for "evidence" to support the belief—and, no matter how far fetched, we believe we've uncovered it. If we believe that our partner will reject us, we start to look for ways that this could be true at every turn.

As Lori did, we hear not what is being said, but what we've been telling ourselves inside our minds. We hear rejection inside of every voicemail, every joke and every innocent remark. And when we believe a relationship is troubled, the experience we create will prove us right. Inevitably, we find trouble in that relationship. Our partner may make a totally innocent comment that we twist to conform to even the most outrageous belief we have about ourselves and/or the relationship.

In Lori's case, she wanted to attract real love into her life but wound up repelling it instead. Outwardly confident, she secretly regarded herself with contempt. She had received dozens of bouquets of flowers, and the men she dated had made many comments about her great sense of humor, her generous nature and her good looks. But since no relationship had ever lasted, Lori felt that she was unlovable at the core.

Is Lori unlovable? Of course not! But negative feelings about herself led her to anticipate rejection at every turn. This made her act anxious and sent out an unintentional vibe of guilt and pressure, which ultimately deflated any attraction men might have initially felt towards her. 

In looking at your own reality, try to remember that the "facts" of your life carry no more weight than the meaning you attach to them. Choose to believe the best—about yourself and others—because whatever images your mind clings to will replicate themselves in the real world. Our world reflects our beliefs. Lori's story belongs to every one of us. The love we try so hard to squeeze from someone else can only be found within ourselves. Once it is discovered, we can share and celebrate that love with others. There is an ancient saying that applies here: the light you seek is within your own lantern.


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