If you are a woman you can relate to the fact then many men always seem “on.” They may work all day, come home exhausted, but if you mention sex, most of them are ready and raring to go. Women are not like this. We need time to make a transition into sexy. A big mistake many couples with small children make is on date night, if dinner is set for 7p.m. they have the sitter come at 6:30 or 6:45. The date may feel hurried, tense, and doesn’t usually end with both people feeling relaxed and amorous. It isn’t something the husband does wrong, or that one of you picked a fight, it’s simply that you didn’t allow yourself time to get your sexy on. Women need a transitional time to go from mommy to lover. We need time to pamper ourselves, dress ourselves, and get our makeup on, our hair done, without someone spitting food on us, burping on us, crying about something, or solving someone’s crisis. I call this getting your sexy on.
Body image is so highly correlated with women’s sexuality that in a recent study reported in the Journal of Sex Research Dr. Patricia Barthalow Koch PH.D discovered that body image was one of the top reasons women don’t want to have sex. Men may have difficulty understanding this because many of them tell their wives every day how beautiful she looks only to realize their wife still doesn’t want to have sex. The husbands may not understand that although their intentions are good, their wife doesn’t derive her body image by what he says. It may help and reassure his wife, but more helpful is if she believes that she is beautiful and desirable. In other words, if she beats herself up, or is critical in regards to her looks when she compares herself to others no matter what her husband tells her, it falls on deaf ears.
Counseling and talking to numerous women I find that one of the big problems is women feel too rushed and hurried. Women need different stimuli to turn them on then men. We don’t get excited when we see a naked man. In fact, most women prefer a man with shorts on to a man in the buff (if he puts a suit on and parades around the house, even better). Men may like to see a woman in heels, but they forget, we are looking at their shoes too. Many men wear shoes with terrible heels; they look like they walked the fields of Lubbock Texas with dust, and have scuffs from years ago. Women may notice your butt, but your shoes could turn the beginnings of a great mood off. Your sex text may not do it for us, but if we catch a glance at your jaw while you are drinking from a water fountain in the right lighting, we may feel a sexual impulse. Women don’t talk to you about this, because we know you won’t understand. Women are also somewhat reticent about telling you what turns them on, because it is so
different than what turns men on, or what media believes should turn them on. The one area women and men agree turns both of them on, is how a woman looks. The problem is women’s comparison of what makes them beautiful or sexy is so different than men’s that it’s difficult to feel accomplished in that area. We are busy, working, taking care of the kids, and the chores (it is still reported that women do the majority of household chores in the U.S). When women take time for themselves they feel sexier, better about their bodies, and more willing to share their bodies with their partner.
Sex and Intimacy are so important to women and men. It is healthy for the body; trengthening the immune system, helping your heart, blood pressure, stabilizing your mood, and making you happier just to name a few. How do you feel better about your body image so you will naturally want to have sex with your partner? I have a few suggestions below.
- A healthy woman check is a must. Many women get their check-up each year and report that their doctor didn’t find anything unusual. Most likely this was because you were embarrassed to tell them you have never had an orgasm, don’t want or like sex, or that you are having marital issues. These are important and real issues and they must be addressed to have a stable healthy marriage.
- If you don’t know your body, chances are high that your partner will have difficulty pleasing you. It is also likely that you will dismiss the importance of sex. If you uncomfortable with exploring your body go to the website www.middlesexmd.com. This is a web site that was started by an OB/GYN physician and specializes in women over the age of thirty five with sexual needs. I am an expert for them; and I believe they are excellent in helping save women’s sexual health as well as their marriages.
- Try taking up yoga or an exercise which relives stress and helps you feel stronger. Women who begin feeling stronger also become more confident. With confidence comes an improved body image.
- Reframe your thinking that sex is for men. It is for YOU. In fact women benefit more so then men. For women, having sex not only makes us feel more connected, but it controls our ability to manage stress. Due to the way we multi task, stress and anger are emotions we feel and usually dismiss every day. Sex helps us purge both in a healthy way.
- The next time your partner wants to have sex, give them your sexiest look, and tell them you would love to if they will call the sitter and allow you time to get your “sexy” on. While getting ready listen to music that puts you in the mood, and dress in a way you feel beautiful.
TV sex is not real sex. Nor is the sex you see on the internet, or IPHONES. That’s called porn. Real sex is the stuff that happens when you love someone, and holding their hand makes you feel special and loved. Real sex is the kind that happens in the bedroom when the kids are upstairs napping, or on a Sunday afternoon during half time. It’s the kind that builds with a relationship of trust and caring. Unfortunately after marriage it is also the kind that women become less and less excited about. Men are
not the problem, ladies. We have to own our sexuality before we can realize how important it is not only to our man but for ourselves. –Mary Jo Rapini
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