3 Actions That Won't Save Your Marriage


couple fighting
Having a baby, building a house, or getting plastic surgery won't fix your marriage.

I see many couples who are struggling with their marriage. When I ask them how long the struggle has been going on, the answer is usually several years. When I continue to ask them how they have tried to fix it on their own, 80 percent of the time having a baby, building or buying a new house, and/or having plastic surgery are typical answers. Just looking at the possible fixes they have used makes me stressed out.

I cannot imagine trying to fix anything by adding a baby, or complications of buying or building a new home, or the pain and down-time of having plastic surgery. However, when you are struggling with your marriage, many times you are in a place of desperation and may not be thinking clearly. You are trying to find the answer to what will bring you together more to help secure the future.

If your partner feels that there is nothing attaching the two of you, then thinking about a new baby may seem logical. If your partner is nagging you about your weight, breast size, or wrinkles, then a facelift, tummy-tuck or breast augmentation may seem logical. If you feel that many of your fights are centered upon lack of space or you're comparing your home to friends who have nicer homes, then it would make sense that building or buying a home together may bring peace. The truth is none of these things will restore a sick marriage, and most likely will make the impending divorce more painful.Heidi Montag: ‘Plastic Surgery Ruined My Marriage'

Couples seem to go outward when they are having marital discord. The simple solution is always to go inward, beginning with yourself first. That becomes very painful for couples, so their tendency to put the "cure" or "fix" on something material makes it more palatable, and also affords them a new focus. Rather than going to counseling and expressing the painful resentment, hurt, and pain in order to heal, they move toward getting something new. This may help for a while, but it is almost certainly a Band Aid effect on a deeply infected wound.

It may cover the wound so you cannot see the redness, pus, and swelling, but it still hurts, and it will continue to worsen. That baby is going to scream at night, that new house is going to cause more resentment with working longer hours and trying to agree on décor, and that cosmetic surgery is going to attract more attention, which may cause anger when your partner all of a sudden values you more because of how you look. With all of these "fixes", the resentment is going to grow exponentially.Does Your Home Cause Marital Stress?

There are things you can do when you begin experiencing marital discord. Try these 4 suggestions before resorting to a baby, new home, or plastic surgery to "fix" your marriage:

1. Sit down together and admit there is a problem in your marriage. Identifying the issues together will help you both know where the weaknesses are, so you can better focus on solutions.

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Mary Jo Rapini


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