A divorce in the best circumstances should be discussed for a long time before it happens. Seeking counseling, trying new ways to communicate, or a trial separation should all take place before the couple agrees that their marriage is over. Fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce, so joining a support group to help deal with the emotions in the aftermath, as well as counseling and mediation, can all make a divorce less painful for both spouses and their children. Although this is the way it should happen, in reality it usually doesn’t. One of the partners often falls in love with someone else. They feel so strongly that this person is their soul mate that they divorce their spouse, leave their home and their children to begin a new life with this new love. Debating the new love or how it happened, or even considering the marriage may have been dead for years and was just lingering are all possibilities, but the person left still grieves and mourns the end of their marriage.
This is a letter from one of my closest confidantes who is now six months from being the one left behind. This confidante had no idea this was coming their way, nor did they ever expect their marriage to end. This is their latest letter to me and six months have passed since they split.
Good morning, Mary Jo!
I met with my former spouse again last night after several weeks of only short phone conversations and I tried so hard not to let my emotions get out of hand, but I succeeded only partly. No touching on their part, only a brief pat on the shoulder when they left. In between, we discussed some of the legal things which need to be done now, but then I couldn't help but talk again about all the pain and the hurt I still feel inside because of the incomprehensible actions and ask again, "Why?” I long so much for the acknowledgement of my pain, my emotions, and to show some feelings maybe by saying something like, "I'm sorry and I hope you will feel better soon," and giving me a hug. But they refuse any sign of remorse or feeling toward me. "We talked about this a hundred times already."
I experienced two sleepless nights again. I need my energy to organize my papers for the tax return, for the divorce procedure, and for preparing my move. Instead, I feel sick to my heart and stomach and endlessly tired. I went to the opera last week. I heard a great concert last night after this meeting, but nothing seems to get through to my inner core. Six months have passed and I feel like it was yesterday. My head is still full of questions such as, “Where are they now?” and “What are they doing together?” I have lost so much of my social life, and I am sure the new partner triumphs when they show up at places where I use to stand at their side. Does my partner enjoy sex with the new person more than they did with me? Yes, I am sure they do. I am a prisoner of my thoughts. How will I ever learn to let go of my spouse and my marriage? Thank you, for listening.
My close confidante is actually right where they should be in the healing process of a divorce they didn’t want. There are a few things though, that may help with emotional healing for the next year and onward.
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"Over drinks at a bar my date revealed many interesting details about himself. He used to live on 'the streets.' He claimed to have 'beat Spina Bifida.' He had had a fiancé in Japan who was open to him dating women while he was in the States. After all those amazing revelations I let him know our relationship would not be romantic. As we walked out of the bar he appeared to be suffering from some sort of stomach cramp. He told me he suffered from severe IBS and desperately needed a private bathroom. I have family members who suffer from Crohn's disease so I felt very sympathetic to his situation. I offered to let him use the bathroom in my apartment. After he had finished using the bathroom, he says, 'I know you said we could just be friends and that's fine. But, I was wondering if I could just watch you pee before I leave. I only want to watch.' P.S. — I did not let him watch me pee." -Miranda, 33
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