Most couples share their intimate feelings in their bed. They love each other there, try to please each other there, and hold each other there. Once they get showered, dressed and ready to leave they tend to leave that loving behavior behind. They may be terse on the phone, controlling with their language, or irritated when their spouse or partner asks them for a favor. What happened? Just this morning you were feeling loved and respected by your partner in bed. Once they got their clothes on, it was if they put on an invisible repellant as well.
Couples come to counseling, and many times they call each other names and say angry words to one another. These couples somehow manage to sleep together and be kind to one another during sex. When I ask them how they have such different behavior in bed versus their everyday life, they respond that the bedroom is different. It isn’t the “real world.” They go on to say the real world has stressors and situations that don’t exist in bed. My response is, “Maybe you should stay in bed all day then.”
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The best sex has a connection of respect and love from both people. It is combination of behaviors not just at bedtime but all day. Couples have great sex prior to being married because they see each other for a shorter length of time, try harder, and are kind to each other in and out of the bedroom. Once they get married, they begin taking each other for granted, hurting each other with words, and taking their anger out on each other because their partner is the closest one to them.
They forget that when they want to have sex, the way they treated their partner throughout the day has a big effect on what (if any) kind of sex they will get in the bedroom. Often they have forgotten what hurtful things they had said so they blame their partner. They make up all kinds of reasons about why their partner does not want sex. They may remind their partner, “I mowed the lawn,” "I fixed your car,” “I sewed a button on your shirt,” or “I took care of the kids all day.” None of this matters when the one you love most hurt your feelings or made you feel disrespected.
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What is done in Vegas stays in Vegas, but what happens in your bed should happen every day, all day. Below are suggestions for taking your bedroom behavior into your everyday life with your partner:
• Touch each other. Hug, hold hands, or touch each other on the arm when you talk to one another.
• When the TV is on, and your partner is talking, look at your partner (remember how would you act during sex?)
• Tell each other how great they look.
• Tell each other how wonderful they smell (make sure you smell good in and out of bed).
• Tell each other what a perfect fit you are (believe it or not this is one of the most common things said during love making).
• Take your time. When in doubt of what to say, say nothing, but give eye contact.
• Men, protect her.
• Women, be appreciative.
• Touch your partner’s face whenever you get a chance.
• Be a team and put the highest value on your relationship. Kids come second to the marriage.